A conversation with myself

Space

Boi am I fucked lmao
This is gonna be a fun chapter to write.

In the past month or so I've been here. Existing in what seems to be a waste of time. I haven't been "myself" lately and I guess I've noticed.
I haven't been making the greatest choices and I've been pushing a lot of people aside.

I would argue that I've been feeling better this time around with myself but that's not entirely true. I've reached a familiar feeling of what people would call an "existential crisis". Sometimes I wake up wishing I didn't. I can be happy in the moment but it all seems to be fake to me. I feel like I'm lying to myself.

I don't really know why I am like this. I guess I can blame anything but I feel as though I make myself this way. But, who knows? Maybe it is my fault. I am aware of how I fuck myself up and how I affect others yet I don't bring myself to change anything. I watch myself do it. I don't pity myself nor do I want anyone else to feel bad for the position I am in because it is literally my fault.

Sure, there are some things I can't change or stop but I don't think I've ever made an attempt to do so. I think I'm too focused on blaming someone instead of facing the fact that certain shit happens. Like the fact that some people just need to be heard. I haven't always beeb there to listen or to be a shoulder to cry on.

I haven't been the great friend, daughter, peer, or person in general. I do apologize to anyone who reads this if I've done/said something to offend you or make you upset. I'm sorry I'm not bold enough to come out and tell you myself but I need some time to come to terms with myself.

Sometimes it's best to get help but I just need time with myself now. I need to get away and think (which is funny because I hate letting myself think) about some things. I've been letting my personal life and issues intervene and mess with others and I shouldn't let that happen. I should not let that get in the way of anything else because it's no one else's business.

Hopefully I get over this stupid phase soon and get my shit together. I hope you guys understand. :)