My Only Heart Attack

Chapter Nine: Operation Fix Her Heart

Chapter Nine: Operation Fix Her Heart

----A/N  I'm sitting in bed, miserably sick, writing. I better be okay to perform tomrrow, director's orders to stay in bed. But does staying in bed mean to give up writing? Oh, well. lol, hope everyone is doing well. I know that my chapters have been shorter and coming further apart, but they're still coming. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy. There is a trigger warning for this chapter due to strong suicidal thoughts and behaviors, so please don't read if it will encourage self harm. Read, Vote, Comment, and Message me. Love you all!

My legs were exhausted from the strain of running. My throat burned like a blazing fire from choking back tears, and then letting them go. However, I was still running. I just couldn't stop. I had no idea how to get out, considering I didn't even know where Luna actually lived in the first place. All I saw around me was more grass. The place was entirely vacant, and that was probably a blessing in disguise.

How could I have hurt the ones I love so bad? In a week I had gone from an abandoned, famous pop-star to murderer. Yes, Luna was obviously the most hurt person, but she wasn't it. I was just beginning to think of Xeno as a father figure. What would he think now that I broke his daughters heart? My mother. Oh God, my Mom. I can only imagine the thoughts running through her head. She must think I've turned into my father. Hell, maybe I have. I wonder if this is how he felt. Maybe he didn't mean to be the way he was, maybe it just happened. Does that even make sense?

My brain was moving a million miles a minute, mimicking my feet. My thoughts were my feet. They came one after another, not making sense, not knowing where they were going, but just kept going. What was I doing? I didn't know.

Finally I stopped. Out of nowhere my brain just commanded my body to quit moving. Just like an insignificant snap, I fell to the ground. Laying in the grass, I just began to sob. What else could I do? I was pitying myself, but I didn't even know what for. I only had a vague sense of what happened. I mean, I knew I hurt Neville physically, and as a result, Luna mentally and emotionally. Everything was such a mess. My fans. I've disappointed them too. What if I can't go on tour anymore? What about all those voiceless victims of depression living through my music, and the future souls I have yet to touch. I might as well die, in fact I seemed to want nothing more than that. Once again, I had a flashback.

----------------------------------------------three years earlier-----------------------------------------------

"This is it. I can't do this anymore!" I was screaming as I ran into my house, my Mom wasn't home from work yet, which gave me some time to do what I needed. I ran upstairs, and into my bedroom, diving under the bed. I searched for the box that I was all too familiar with.  My fingers traced the edge, and I pulled it out. I looked at it, wishing I could just cry my emotions out, but I couldn't. No tears rolled down my cheeks, and I knew what I had to do. I opened the shoebox and picked up the note inside, forcing myself to read it, curled up on the floor. I read over the note I had written to myself.

 " Demi. If you've gotten this far, and haven't stopped yourself, go through with this. Your dreams will never come true. You can't even help yourself, how can you help others? Do it fast without thinking. This box contains everything you'll need: Five bottles of heavy sedatives, a razor blade, and a pre-written note addressed to Mom. Please don't make yourself go through this any longer."

I put the note down and thought. I thought about the children in the hallways, walking and talking, oblivious to the hell I was in. I thought of my father and my mother. I thought of my sexuality and how I just couldn't enjoy being with any fucking guy. I was useless.