Age doesn't matter (Hawaii Five-0 fanfic)

Chapter SEVEN

My dearest Steve,

I'm doing great, well I'm doing better than I thought would be possible, but it is and I am. I know this past week has been rough with me in the Mental hospital and everything but I'm beginning to find peace.

One of our group sessions they told us to let go of all the stress factors and that we should find something that relaxes us. And when I tried I couldn't let go of all my stress and I didn't know why.

I started yoga and it helped calm me down but there was one thing on my mind the whole damn time. First I thought I just had to get used to it but it kept eating at me. I know I know, you probably don't understand what's going on but I'm getting to the point just give me a moment.

I love you so much but I don't think it's for the right reasons, I think we need to take this time to evaluate what we feel for each other. I think you need to find someone who is compatible to you. Someone who understands you and everything you've done in your life. Someone like Catherine, she knows you and she's been through everything you've been through in the NAVY. And she can give you a real, mature relationship that I can't.

The reason I couldn't let go of all my stress is because you are a great part of it. I stress when you get a new case. Or when you and Danny are chasing some criminal. Or when you just decide to disappear for weeks without notice to help someone in another country. I stress when I think about every possible way you could get hurt at work. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to separate from you so I can heal and so you can live without the weight of my mental state on your shoulders.

When I was in there I longed to feel free but now I realize that I won't be until I free myself from everything that keeps me from getting better.

Steve, I know that the night after you told me about your feelings that you slept with Catherine even when you told me you didn't. Why did you feel the need to lie to me? I would've understood. You and her have been through a lot and that doesn't just go away. And I know you wanted to propose to her before she left and that if she didn't leave that you'd probably be happily married. I can see that she's your soulmate.

I want to set you free, I don't want you to feel the need to worry about me. Worry about yourself and the restaurant. Worry about whether you want red booths or black booths. Worry about catching criminals and making Oahu a better place. Worry about whether you need to get Charlie a batman shirt or superman shirt for Christmas. Don't worry about me, I've got this. Yeah it would've been easier with you by my side but I'm trying not to be selfish.

I've decided that when I get out of here at the end of the month that I won't be going directly home, but that I'll be going on a little vacation on the island. Do you know how big Hawaii actually is? I didn't and now I want to see every part of it.

I want to say that I'm breaking up with you but the thing is we aren't really together and that hurts more than a break up. Knowing that I love you so much but I have no claim whatsoever. I've arranged with Catherine and she's coming to visit you.

And I've talked with Jerry about selling my house and I told him to go with it. A new change of scenery will do me good and then you won't have to deal with me anymore.

All I want to say is that I love you, but not for the right reasons.

Take care of yourself,