For Forever

Day 1:

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day, and here's why. |

Connor stared at the blanking cursor as he pondered for a positive thing to write, but nothing came up. Shaking his head, he highlighted the text and deleted his unfinished work, then retyped the greeting. Connor wasn't going to lie to Evan, not again. Not now, after Evan came clean about his mental health and illnesses in sophomore year of high school, when Connor noticed something off about his childhood best friend and decided to ask him about it. Connor loves Evan, in a friend way, of course. Connor doesn't have a crush on his shorter friend. He just cares about Evan, and Evan cares about his tall, stoner friend back. Just a tiny bit more than your average guy friendship.

What am I saying? They cared about each other as if they were both lovers. They radiated that sort of energy. A lot of people pondered deep and hard, wanting to know if they were a thing or not. But nobody said shit; wholly because everybody was completely petrified of Connor. They always have been after somebody spread a rumour that Connor got expelled from his elementary school for getting caught with drugs. Nobody wants to fuck with anybody that got expelled for drugs. Who knows what they could do to you?

Dear Evan Hansen,

Not looking forward for today, to be honest.

You're probably asking yourself as you're reading this, "Oh but Connor! What are you so scared of?! You're the scariest person at our shitty fucking school! You have nothing to be afraid of!!"

Well, Evan, my sweet, small, tree boy, Connor doesn't have a clue himself. |

Connor kicked his legs that hung off the side of his twin-sized bed, trying to put his thoughts into some words that would make sense for the blue-eyed. nature obsessed teen, but didn't give away his actual feeling and thoughts. He knew what he was terrified about, but he couldn't tell anybody-- he couldn't tell his one and only friend; Evan. Letting out a long and deep sigh, Connor ran his fingers through his long, wavy, light brown hair that curled at the ends.

His mother Cynthia and his father Larry desperately wanted Connor to get a hair cut. But whenever they'd bring up the subject, Connor would always lash out on them unexpectedly. His sister Zoe on the other hand, she had the worst out of all of them. Connor has said things that would completely destroy anybody to his younger sister. Zoe was just was damaged and broken as their parents. She just doesn't show it.

Connor closed the lid of his laptop and shoved it into his olive green satchel Evan had bought for him for Christmas last year. At first, Connor thought the colour was disgusting, he thought the entire bag was disgusting. But the look of Evan's face when Connor pulled out the gift from the shiny, black gift bag changed his mind in a heartbeat.

Evan's eyes twinkled, the reflection of the white Christmas lights he had personally and carefully hung on one of the trees at the Autumn Smile Orchard, the way his nose and cheeks were pink from the cold, the hopeful look on his face as his hands clapped together, holding his chin up as he looked up at Connor. He put so much thought and effort, spending his time to make his way out into decorating their favourite hang out spot, buying a gift for him when nobody else did. He put so much of his energy and time into his tall friend, more than his own family did when he was younger.

Connor snapped back into reality when he felt a myriad of something wet streaming down his prominent cheek bones and concave cheeks. He was crying. He sniffed and walked over to the small mirror that was propped on his dresser. His eyes were beginning to turn red, the underneath of his eyes slightly puffy already. he wiped the tears off his cheeks with the back of his wrist, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. He took some deep breaths and tried to cheer himself up, which is something he would do to and with Evan whoever he was having an anxiety attack or feeling blue.

Zoe walked through Connor, startling the stoner, "Mom s-"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? HAVEN'T YOU EVER FUCKING HEARD OF FUCKING KNOCKING ON THE GODDAMN DOOR? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Connor roared, scaring his sister. Zoe was only a year younger than him, making her a Junior. But whenever Connor would yell at her, she felt like she was fourteen and Connor was fifteen, which is when Connor first started to lash out unexpectedly at everybody. She jumped back hard, causing her heart to beat three times as fast than a normal heartbeat. "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE BEFORE I FUCKING KILL YOU!" Zoe felt tears filling her up her light blue eyes. She blinked rapidly, trying to hush away her tears. But Connor sprinting at her with mad speed only caused her to scream and slam his bedroom door shut nearly as fast as lightning. Connor slammed his clenched fists against the dark brown door hard, his knuckles turning as white as snow.

His breathing was heavy, his chest rising as falling as if he just ran several miles without stopping-- which is what it felt like he did. stomping over back to his dresser, he rested the palms of his hands on the edge of his dresser. His chin pointing down, his eyes looking up, and his mouth slightly agape, Connor repeated wha the did earlier. Connor gave up and yanked one of his bedside drawers open with force. Grabbing a pack of cigarettes, Connor shoved it into his satchel along with a spare lighter, since the Principal confiscated his other one. Connor pulled on a plain black shirt, a grey button down he cut the sleeves off of, his dark grey zip-up jacket, and his leather jacket on top of it. Connor also stomped on his combat boots and grabbed his phone before walking out of his bedroom and stomping down the stairs and through the front door, not acknowledging his family that sat at the dinner table eating breakfast without him.

Dealing with his family is the last thing he would ever want to do. He hated his mother Cynthia, his sister Zoe, and his father Larry, which he called by his first name, because he decided that he doesn't deserve the respect and the title Dad. He hated him, he most definitely hated him back. Fuck, his whole family hated him, so it seems.

Connor wanted to clear his mind. And the only way to do that is to get high behind his school and wait for Evan to text him, letting him know that he's made it.