Letters to Papa

A Lil' Positive, A Lot Negative

Dear Papa,
Its been a week since I wrote to you now. I know I had so much positivity filled in the last letter, but I realize that I'm having a lot of negativity filled inside me too. Its eating up my insides now. I feel like a hollow person. I know I might be sounding too foolish, but I feel irresponsible, lacking the qualities of a good human being. I would have started writing to you with the sunny side up. But now, I'm almost fed up of hiding the negativity fom you. I dont know why, but whenever I try to get things alright, they seem to tangle themselves up. I tried helping out my friends, and I realized I didn't deserve to get back the love I showered. I'm sorry Papa. I can't vent all of this to just Mamma. I need to tell it to you too. I know you'll undestand me.

You always calmed me down when I went through this phase of self-pity. I always sat quiet in one corner of the house, thinking I deserved nothing good in my life. I was a person noone would want to gel around with. You'd sit beside me, hold my hand and say, "Alu, when the world lets you down, its for a reason. All of this is a test, to see if you get turned down by life, or you rise to your feet. And remember one important thing. Life puts you to test because you're one of the strongest people."

I'd argue sometimes and also oblige after a while. Well now I understand why I am always being put to test. Now that you're gone, I must be assumed as weak and irresponsible. Well, all I need to do, is show that I have my priorities and that I can find my way out of these problems. All that it takes, is some time. I have learnt to look back at those happy days I had, and let go off of the bad memories. If I keep holding on to them, they only pull me down. They won't do any good to me. These sad happy memories... I miss you too much sometimes. When everyone cold-shouldered me, I had you. I haven't experienced so many problems before though. Maybe that's why I'm reacting so much. 

I know I should put a full stop to my all-time-spouting. But I just can't. I have this happy side of me when people are around me. But the moment I get alone, I switch to this "noonce cares about me" mode. I should slap myself for thinking this way. I sometimes think that all this is just imagination, and in real, life is much better than I think of it. I don't know the end results though. There's always a fight between the wiser Aaliya and the confused and judgemental Aaliya. Noone wins in the end though. Wish you were there to hold my hand and tell me that everything's gonna be alright sooner or later.... 

I miss you Papa...

Yours ever lovingly,

Alu <3