Erin Lindsay Returns ER

Chapter 1: Another Day

Hey guys I've never written anything before, so I'd really appreciate some feedback. I miss Erin on One Chicago so bad so it inspired me to write this. There are many more chapters to come! :))

Jay POV

"You ok?" I hear Hailey ask. 

Ever since my PTSD came back she is in a constant state of worry. If she's not asking me if I'm ok she's shooting me a worried look or exchanging whispers with someone in the bullpen. I appreciate that she cares. I would care too if she were in pain, but I'm not made of glass and I don't need to be tiptoed around. I remember the best way anyone has ever handled what I go through. What was it, two maybe three years ago now? 

What you carry is real. 

It was Erin. She let me know that it was ok to feel what I was feeling. She didn't care how my syndrome affected her or what it meant for our relationship, she just acknowledged reality. She didn't treat me like I was broken, she got it. She got everything I felt. 

Whatever it is I can handle it. 

The night I left her apartment. The night I made the conscious decision to put space between me and her I told her I still had so much to deal with and she promised me she could handle it. I knew she could. But I loved her so much I couldn't give her that burden. I wouldn't wish what I go through on anyone, and I certainly wouldn't want it for the person I love the most. Fuck. Loved. I meant loved. Not love.  

Well Shit. 

There goes my two day streak of not thinking about her. It's years, I should be able to go a couple of days without reminiscing about my ex like an adult wishing they were still in high school. But that's just it, that's the problem. Missing her is a constant. At first I missed having a girlfriend. The person to always turn to, especially with the rough times I was going through. I also just missed my best friend. Voight would say something that bordered insanity as usual and I would look over to share a look with her and she wasn't there. I would go to fill up my coffee and find myself having to small talk with someone instead of the comfortable laughter that came with talking to her. I also missed my partner. My badass partner who would passionately take ahold of any situation. The capable woman who could outsmart and intimidate men twice her size in the interrogation room and on the streets. 

Then I missed her. Her smile. Her laugh. Her green eyes that sparkled with joy and always a tiny bit of sadness. Her laughter that bubbled over or her muted snorts in awkward conversations. I missed her knowing what I was feeling before I knew what I was feeling, and far before I ever had to admit what I was feeling. After a little while, I stopped feeling sad. I felt this hole in my stomach. Like a constant sense of emptiness. When I was with her, if I was sad or upset, at least I still felt full. I still had this invisible unidentifiable source pushing me to keep going. I didn't know where it came from until it was gone. I went through times where I would feel nothing at all. There was no joy, no sadness, no laughter, no crying. I also went through times where I was a mess. Lying and messing up like with Camila. There were some things I didn't even realize came from her absence, like when something would happen, and I didn't have anyone to lean on or confide in the way I did with her. I have never been the one in the unit that people had to worry about. I have my life together, I became a ranger and was recruited to the elite intelligence unit at a young age. But mainly no one had to worry about me, because I had Erin. She was there even when we were just partners. I joined the unit and right away I was better off than I had ever been. But once she left, I lost it, and I became breakable as glass in the squad's eyes. Our supportive relationship wasn't one sided either. She had to deal with a lot. And I was there for her, because I wanted to be and that's what you do when you love someone that much.