Contradicting Odds

Simula

"Bakit?"

"Hindi ko na rin alam" he said, "Hindi na ako sigurado, Win"

"Paano na yung sinabi mong 'di ka mapapagod?" I said, stopping myself from crying.

Kailangan malakas ka Winter, don't fucking cry. You've humiliated yourself enough, don't be freaking pathetic.

"Ewan ko, Win. 'Di na ako sigurado kung mahal pa ba kita. Napagod na akong intindihin ka, napagod na akong away tayo nang away," he said, "Nakakapagod na yung ugali mo."

"Tanginang 'yan," I told him, stopping myself from shouting dahil nasa public place kami "Ganon na lang kadali 'yon? Ganon kababaw? Minahal mo ba talaga ako, Jaiden? Are you fucking serious right now?"

"Winter, please understand m–"

"Understand you?!" I cried out. Napansin kong napatingin sa amin ang karamihan.

Tangina, kumalma ka Winter 'Wag kang magpadala sa emosyon mo.

"How can I fucking understand you when you can't even give me a valid reason? Putangina , ano pa bang kulang? I tried changing myself, I stayed quiet kahit putangina gustong-gusto ko nang sumabog." I told him, trying to calm myself , 

"I tried to understand you kahit mas pinipili mo yung mga punyetang tinatawag mong mga kaibigan mo, na halata namang ginagamit ka lang. Tangina, Den, tiniis ko mga panlalait nila, ni hindi mo nga ako mapagtanggol sa kanila, pero putangina inintindi ko 'yon. I tried changing myself para lang mabagay sa isang mabait na tulad mo pero ano pa bang kulang?" Hinihingal kong sabi.

Putangina, Win. Tama na, nakakahiya ka na. Don't fucking lower yourself. Pride na lang ang natitira sa'yo. Tangina, Winter. Malakas ka. Stay that way. Pigilan mo 'yang putanginang luha mo, Winter.

"How can I understand you when you can't even understand me even the slightest bit?" I added, slowly losing strength.

"I'm sorry, Winter" he said after a few minutes.

I laughed weakly.

"Please, Win. Maniwala ka, I tried... I really tried pero napagod na ako." he tearfully said.

"Ano bang ginagawa 'pag pagod? Magpapahinga lang naman 'di ba?" I replied nearly giving up, "Ang tali-talino mo pero bakit hindi mo alam 'yon? Hindi pa ba sapat lahat ng ginawa ko? Ano pa bang kailangan kong ibahin?"

"Win, hindi mo naman kailangan magbago eh. Ako yung may problema."

Ah, here we go with the 'It's not you, it's me' bullshit.

"Then why can't we fix it? 'Di na ba kayang maayos? Ganon na lang? Onting problema aayaw na agad? What happened to your 'hindi ka magsasawa' bullshit? You made me believe in you. You made me break my walls for you kasi sabi mo magtiwala ako sa'yo. Tapos babalewalain mo lang lahat yon?" I told him, 

"Give me a valid reason naman, Den. Kasi ang sakit na eh. Ako rin naman pagod na, pero kasi gusto ko pa lumaban eh," pagmamakaawa ko sa kanya.

"'Di ko alam Win kung kaya pa bang maayos. Sobrang pagod na talaga ako, Ewan ko na kung saan tayo dadalhin ng relasyong 'to," he said, "'Di ko alam kung worth it pa bang ipaglaban 'to"

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. 

Worth it pa nga ba? After everything we've been through ngayon pa siya magtatanong kung worth it pa?  I don't know if I should still beg for more, to give this relationship another chance. Pero ang hirap ayusin ng isang bagay kung ikaw lang ang may gustong maayos ito.

"Fine," I told him after a few minutes of nothing. 

Natigilan ito na para bang hindi makapaniwala na pumayag ako.

Ganon mo na ba talaga ka-gustong tigilan 'tong relasyon na 'to?

"If that's what you want. Ayaw ko nang pilitin ka pa. I've humiliated myself enough just by loving you. Maybe I should try saving my own pride instead of begging for something that you think is unfixable." I told him.

I stood back and turned my back to him, 

"I hope you're happy now, bye"

I walked away, trying to see if he'll stop me. But I just made a fool of myself again by hoping for more.

Pathetic, Winter.