Hold Me Too Close

Siberia - Canto 1

Canto 1.
And I hate you.
Not because you've necessarily deserved it, but because
I need to. I need to
hate you to keep all of the memories of you from flooding back into my mind.
I need to
hate you so I can stay strong.
This face of hate you see isn't a face of anger, but a face of weakness that comes from losing the one thing that could be my rock in this world. The one thing that I thought was good.
You've made decisions since we ended that I hate you for.
Like the decision to be happy.
The decision to move on.
The decision to let someone of a lower standard that I know you carnally.
The decision to flower without me as your soil, or even as a lattice.
I'm sure you hate me.
I know you've
probably heard about my galavanting, or more truly, my rampaging through the hearts of those who didn't deserve it.
I know you've
heard about how I,
the straightforward hypocrite,
have ate the forbidden fruit with an intellectual commoner.
How weak of heart must I be to be so spiteful in my love, as to tear out those of the innocent.
And yet,
I had to.
As if the beautiful goddess Aphrodite and the vengeful Hera had created a bond to send my soul into a berserk that only the bonds of Athena, in all her wisdom, could save me from plummeting into my own lustful doom. Yes, I'm sure you know all of my promiscuity through the mouths of others,
each tale more unbelievable than the last.
So you hate me,
if not to heal the wounds of leaving you,
than to stop them from slitting open again.
So I sit here,
in the dark,
baptized in my inequities,
and coronated with a crown of my own lies.
The only thing that shows redemption is the faint glimmer of my own realization in my heart.
The realization that even for me, with my broken down and haunted soul, there is hope.