And You Let Him Go

Chapter 2

Author's Note: Hey just some things in advance. Trigger warnings for self hatred and panic/anxiety attacks. I've never had one myself, so it's written how I would imagine. Thanks for reading and for the messages, sorry about my horrendous updating schedule, I can't say it'll get any better.
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The day came as they always did in Torchwood: slowly, then all at once. Ianto arose early to try and face the day before it could engulf him completely in the fog of shame and regret he had come to associate with the daytime hours. He dressed himself in his charcoal grey suit and purple shirt with a striped purple tie to match, but it felt different. The usual care Ianto put into dressing was still there, but the pride was lacking. Where he would usually put time and care into choosing his attire of the day he now found pieces that he already knew worked and put them on mechanically. Ianto realized this once he was dressed and shivered with the alien feeling it gave him.

Granted, dressing also felt different because his suits no longer fit him the same way as before. In the days since...well, recently, Ianto had noticeably lost weight, so his clothes were slightly baggy and wrinkled where they were usually pristine and well cut. It was unsettling, but Ianto tried to put it out of his mind. There were more pressing matters at hand.

Ianto made his way into the Hub as he shook off the memory of last night's dream and the stupor he had already encountered this morning. He used to be able to make it a few hours before something of that nature slowed him down, but once again, there were more pressing matters at hand. The usual morning routine kept Ianto busy as he listened to the sounds of the rest of the Hub waking up. He always used to be attentive to the sounds of the Hub coming to life, but now it was full of noises that sounded strange and out of place in Ianto's comfortable morning atmosphere.

The silence of solitude that usually comforted him in the hours before the working day was replaced with the feeling and voices of the entire team waking up in the Hub's spare bunks. Owen woke up groaning about the pain and was met with Gwen yelling at him to, "shut up already! We know you're in pain, we all are, and you're giving me a headache with all your bloody whining!" Tosh could be faintly heard chuckling and trying to split the two apart before another fight broke out. Jack could also be heard attending to the team. Likely telling them, specifically Owen, something along the lines of playing down their injuries for Ianto's sake. This knowledge brought a load of guilt into Ianto's mind to counteract the warmth and care behind Jack's good intentions. The weight of shame was palpable on Ianto's shoulders, he blinked repeatedly to shake himself of it before Jack returned from the bunks.

"Hey-"

"Coffee?"

"Uh," Jack knew awkward deflection when he saw it, "yeah, thanks. Look, Ianto, how are you doing?" Jack asked with a sympathetic look. "I know how it feels, the self hatred... Are you okay?"

"Of course sir, just fine, as always." Ianto pulled the obviously forced smile he'd mastered when Lisa was in the basement without anyone's knowledge. Jack gave him a meaningful look that said 'no you're not okay, but I understand you don't want to talk about it and I won't be able to make you talk about it, but I'm not letting it go either.' Either way, Jack dropped the subject with an unconvinced 'hmm' and went back to his coffee.

Before Jack could make any other attempt at nursing him back to emotional health, Ianto moved on to inspect his usual day to day monotonous activities. There were more than usual, based solely on the fact that most of the team was currently incapacitated. Ianto pushed that out of his mind. He tried to act like they were just on holiday. But it didn't work. Every noise from the bunks, every sorrowful glance from Jack, every report he reviewed from that night brought back the memory. The gut-wrenching deathly silence on the comms. The overwhelming feeling of doom filling his lungs.

More than once throughout the day Jack had to shake Ianto out of a flashback or panic attack. Their intensity and frequency stayed constant. As did the equal parts fear and exhaustion on Ianto's face throughout the day. Jack was just thankful no one else on the team could see this happening to him. Ianto was their steady component. The omnipresent coffee boy who knew everything about everything. Their team's own mystery.

Just then, Jack heard small startled noises near Tosh's computer. Even from the Med Bay, Jack heard the ragged breathing, and as the soft 'no's began to rise in volume, Jack raced across the Hub.

Ianto's eyes were wild. His face pale and clouded. To Jack's surprise he was still standing up, but as he moved closer he saw how Ianto was gripping the desk like he was hanging off the edge of a cliff. Jack rushed forward and supported his way down to the ground.

"Hey, hey, Ianto!" Jack said, shaking his shoulders. "Ianto!" Jack brought his hands to Iano's face so he was looking straight at him. "Ianto, it's just a dream, just a flashback! C'mon, snap out of it!" Ianto stared straight at him. No, not at him, Jack realized. Ianto was staring straight through him. Jack's panic skyrocketed. He was out of ideas. Ianto was huffing and gulping for air as though he'd just run a marathon. His eyes were red and frantic. His pleas became louder. Moans and wails of 'No!' 'Why him?!' and 'Take me!' All these setting Jack more and more in a panic himself. "Ianto, Ianto, please, c'mon, look at me, look at me," Jack was pleading now. He pulled Ianto to his chest, kissed the top of his head, and closed his eyes praying to any deity he could think of that it'd be okay.

Ianto's shaking slowed slightly, his cries quieted back to slight 'no's and whispers of Jack's name. It took a while before Ianto came back, but Jack just kept holding him, whispering calming gibberish in alien languages. Life seeped back into Ianto's body. His eyes refocused and lost their wild, glazed look.

"Ja-" Ianto's voice was rough. He cleared his throat and coughed. "Jack."

"I'm right here," Jack replied pulling away slightly to get a better look at Ianto's frightened expression. "Are you okay? What do you need?" Jack knew the answer, it was always the same, but Jack always needed the reassurance that Ianto was back enough to answer.

"Water and an apple." Jack sighed a breath of relief. "Was it-" Ianto hated to ask, Jack's face was so ragged, "Was it that bad?" Jack looked like he'd seen someone die. Like he'd seen someone die over and over again.

Jack knew he couldn't lie, Ianto would know. But Jack also knew that look. Like he was already sure of the answer, just waiting for confirmation. Like Ianto already hated himself for something he couldn't even remember. It killed him. Jack hesitated.

"Yeah," and with that one word, Jack saw the weight of guilt, shame, and regret wash over the man he loved. Their eyes locked. Ianto couldn't bear what he'd already done to the team. Now seeing how his aftermath still plagued Jack as though his life were being drained from him with every one of Ianto's attacks. It killed him. Ianto couldn't take it.

Jack finally turned to fetch Ianto's apple and water, and Ianto crumpled. He curled up, his arms wrapped around his knees, his head between them. He didn't cry. He gasped for air, as though the weight he felt on his shoulders was wrapping around him like a heavy wool blanket. Folding over him again and again in an attempt to smother his deadly presence on the team.

When Jack returned, Ianto had already smuggled that feeling away. Folding up the blanket of regret for another time. He could no longer bear the affect he was having on those around him. It wasn't getting any better either. Ianto decided he had to do something about it.