here is a list of things i've done in the past 8 hrs
-go to the library to burn a cd
-get coffee
-go to the park for hours blasting music
-do laundry for an hour
-contemplate self harm
-contemplate suicide
-laid in bed and chugged a coke
-put a slit in my eyebrow
-shower
-give myself a temporary tattoo for 50 cents at a coffee shop
here is my problem
i am NOT suicidal. i'm very bored, and the thought of dying is entertaining
things have been downhill since sixth grade
my soul hasn't had rest in three years
and i am, BEYOND fucked.
its hard for everyone else to understand
when your bestfriend dies
or when someone abandons you, again
your father didn't love you, did he?
i guess i have daddy issues
my birth father abandoned me
but my dad, he raised me well i think
i guess what i wanna say is, i'm not good
at talking about my feelings
every poem i write, every song
they are scattered, like my thoughts
i used to think i had ADHD because
of how many thoughts ran through my mind
every second of every minute
daydreaming in class about why i look like me
or why this is this or that is that
i was lost inside my head
oh i've seen many things in my life
but, seeing her. in a casket.
was by far, the worst
thirteen years old, i gave up my virginity
to a blonde guy i had met the week before
twelve years old, i self harmed for the first time
twelve years old, i starved myself because
i was too tired to eat
eleven years old, my bestfriend died
fourteen years old, i thought i was in love
but i was tricked
i was heartbroken for ages
my soul was asleep
for the many first years of my life
but then God took the one thing i loved
and pulled her out of my reach
my soul hasn't gotten rest in three years
none, i was impossibly reckless
i was stoned or wasted
i couldn't be tamed
i was a force to reckon with
and i was aggressive
and sad and oppressed
i was suicidal and i wanted to die
i hurt myself more often then not
i became hollow
i became a darker version of the girl
who once loved so much
i was lost in an ocean
i was drowning
i couldn't hear the music i loved anymore
i couldn't move
i can't move
i can't move
i can't move
i can't move
the supposed light of my life
was a demon
medusa with pocahontas
she took me to hell
just to remind me
what it's like to feel pain again
i hate when i'm numb
and it hurts when i feel
the things that my past ex's have said to me
have always been lies
"worthless"
"i love you"
"stupid"
"beautiful"
"whore"
those things were never true
minus the beautiful part
but let's get back on topic
my first love, currently toys with my head
whether she knows it or not
i can't tell if she loves me
she loves me behind closed doors
she's scared.
not of me, not of love
of judgment
she's so scared of everyone else
but she doesn't care about how i feel
she says she does
but it's hard
love is so selfless
yet so selfish at the same time
the spring of 2019
changed me
i felt something change in me
the colors were brighter
the sounds were louder
i could hear music
i loved myself
the pain, the never ending haunting
finally ended
my soul, still restless and childish
calmed down
my heart felt like it was covered
in butterflies and my legs
and hands were so shaky
oh my god i'm a wreck
the mirror screams at me
my fist is a reminder of the hands i held
my arms, a reminder of the things that
laid in them, my legs a reminder of him
its okay, love
i know.
you want rest, so badly
you want love, so badly
you want her.
so badly.
you do everything
to rest
cut your eyebrow
attempt suicide
crave self harm
walk down roads you shouldn't walk down
scream until your voice aches
i know, love
you're so sad
you're so lost
you're so...
gone
you love so easily
you're so naive
so full of happiness and sorrow
pick something
i want so badly
to rest again
i want so badly
to feel alive again
i want so badly
to feel loved
i want so badly
to feel like i am not a mistake
i want so badly
to feel her touch
i crave love so much
i'm willing to destroy myself
just to feel restful again
the heart is clumsy
my heart is reckless
my soul is restless
my mind is stupid
i can't tell whether love is a facade
or whether maybe something so pure and angelic
can be so painful
i'm not a flight risk
i am a wreck
my heart didnt wear a helmet
and my soul is restless
