The Best You Ever Had

No Guilt

My immediate reaction was to pull away. I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time; I didn't want the guilt. 

"Not okay?" Brendon asked, looking my face over.

Brian had moved on before we were even over, so why should I feel guilty over a kiss? One I had to admit has been perfect. Soft but with a sense of urgency. A kiss I was realizing I wanted to continue.

I pressed my lips to Brendon's again briefly. "Totally okay. I just had a moment."

He smiled and our mouths met again. He had one hand on the small of my back, and one cradling my head, and it felt like being taken care of. Being cared for. The urgency was still there, but the softness overrode it. Like he was afraid I was going to break. He was unbearably gentle.

My hand found its way to the back of his neck and I pulled him closer. My lips parted slightly, and he took the invitation. Our tongues found one another. He tasted divine.

He put his hands on my hips and lifted me easily to set me down on the counter. The cool surface against my shorts-clad legs made me shiver and he smiled into our kiss.

"Chilly?"

"Warm me up," I told him.

He ran his hands up and down my arms, which I then wrapped around him again. He pulled me close and then ran his fingers through my hair. "There are ways we can do that," he said.

I put a hand on his chest. "Can we maybe just do this some more? Just kiss and hold one another? I think that's what I need right now."

"Whatever you want," he said, pulling me from the countertop and leading me to his living room.

He stretched out on the couch and motioned for me to join him. 

I laid down next to him and snuggled against him. "I just need to go slow, I think."

He brushed a lock of hair over my shoulder. "Course. I get it."

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"Dunno. You tell me. We're supposed to hate one another."

I kissed him once, quickly. "Maybe we do."

"No, we never did. But let's not talk about that right now."

No more writing got done that day. We stayed on the couch, exploring one another. Rediscovering. All just by touch and kiss alone. And I didn't feel one bit guilty.

****

"Again?" Jenny asked, her voice too loud over the phone.

"No, not again. We just kissed."

"I don't understand you guys. I thought he was enemy number one."

I rolled over in my bed, beating a pillow into shape. "I never hated him. Things were just uncomfortable. Besides, he never did anything wrong. It was all me, and you know that."

"There were some exchanges that told me there was at least a strong dislike there," she said, and I could hear her lighter flick as she lit a cigarette.

"You know? I was never really sure how we felt about one another. Then the festival happened and I was pretty sure he hated me, and then I didn't know what was happening, and now?" I sighed. "I guess I still don't know exactly what's going on, but all I know is my guilt over Brian is gone, and I can write again, and that's huge."

"You do you, tootsie. I'm not sure how I feel about him yet, but I'll come around. Always do."

Jenny was the type to sort of go with the flow. She'd be on team Brendon soon enough, if I decided I was. And I thought I was.