The Best You Ever Had

Wait For Something Better

The dream kept coming. I never talked about it. But it weighed on me. I couldn't explain why. Things were going so well for me. I could act when things calmed down again. There would be nothing stopping me. 

The last time I had it, I got irritable. Why was it plaguing me? Brendon noticed and asked what was going on and finally I broke down and spoke up.

"I keep having this dream," I told him. "I'm acting or rehearsing and it's wonderful."

"So why are you upset about it?"

I sighed and thought. "Because it's not a dream I should be having. That's on hold."

"Dreams are never I hold, babe," he told me gently. "We push them to the background sometimes, sure, but dreams are always active, whether we ignore them or not. And this is important to you."

"So is music. So are you." I blew a lock of hair out of my face in annoyance and looked into his eyes.

He smiled and brushed the offending hair out of my face. "I know. But there's more to you than just your music and our relationship. You have more to put into the world."

"And I will," I said, determined. "Just... not yet."

"If putting it off is hurting you…"

"No. Choice made. Acting waits."

He looked relieved. We didn't talk about it again, but that didn't mean it wasn't on my mind.

A day later I called Billy. 

"Keep looking for parts." The sentence felt both amazing and wrong coming out of my mouth, but it was out there now.

"I thought we were putting that on hold, sweetheart."

"We are. Nothing that's filming in the next six or seven months. But keep your feelers extended."

He sounded unsure. "You're the boss. We'll see what happens."

I bit down on a fingernail. "I guess we will."

****

"What are you up to?" Jenny asked me one day during a little jam session between just the two of us.

"What?" I was genuinely confused.

"You seem less weighed down lately, and I can't put my finger on why. But there it is." She strummed her bass loudly and then put it down, leaning on her knees and regarding me intensely.

It clicked for me. I had been feeling better. Ever since I talked to Billy. That had to be what she was seeing.

"I told Billy to keep looking for scripts. Nothing filming when we're gonna be on tour. Stuff that's still in early phases so I can do both."

"Ah," she said, leaning back against her chair. "That does explain things."

"I just... couldn't put it on pause."

"Don't explain to me. You're not doing anything wrong. And I know how much you want to act. And I've seen you act. You need to do it."

I'd done nothing but recite monologues from our favorite movies, but I guess she counted that as acting. 

I hesitated. "I haven't told Brendon. I don't know why."

"Well, let's unpack that. You didn't tell me either. And I assume you haven't told the boys. What's holding you back?"

I genuinely had to think about this. What was my problem? I sat with my chin in my palm for a solid thirty seconds before I had an answer.

"I know you said I'm not doing anything wrong, but it feels like I am, for some reason. And so I felt like I needed to hide it."