Wednesday
12 Oct. 2019
6:25am
God keep my head above water don't let me drown...Or i loose my breath at the bottom.
Come rescue me I'll be waiting as i yearn to thee for a single sleep.
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"And that was how i lost her, the one woman after my mother that i ever truly cared for"
He said it agonizingly, drying the tears that had formed in his eyes with his handkerchief shivering.
"Didn't you bother checking up on her or you just went ahead with her letter?.
"I did reached out. That night,i called her line because i couldn't leave the parish then. I waited till the next day after service,i quickly drove to her place. But i met her father,Adiele and few family members there".
" She actually died that Saturday and was already in the morgue. Everyone till today believes she died of ovarian cancer,but only i know better."
" How is that even possible?" I asked him.
"I believe she had already made plans with the doctor on what to tell everyone in case she didn't make it".
" She sacrificed herself so that i could achieve my dreams. I killed her in a way. I wish i didn't walk up to her that Sunday. I wish i had remained hidden,away from her. I wish i didn't meet her again,i wish i hadn't fallen for her. For the first time i wish i hadn't met her at all. She was a very good person...She would have been living happily now".
" That burden is what i have lived with for the rest of my life. That guilt surprisedly is what has kept me going."
" Today actually makes it my 54 years as a priest and 54years since i lost her"
" And if she had told me then that she was pregnant with my child,i would have quashed my dreams and married her."
" You would never forgive her,nor would she have forgiven herself... Both of you would never be happy...The hate would have eventually killed the love". I said to him,in a bid to console him
" Still,she should have told me. It was also my decision to make... Yes i loved my vocation so much but i never optioned to be a murderer."
" You are not a murderer...She choose her path herself. She was protecting you,that was how much she loved you Fr"
" Si.... And i became her downfall".
" Non... You were her beginning. Her ending she choose herself. You don't have to keep blaming yourself for that. We are only but humans and are bound to err,all that matters is to forgive and be forgiven... I believe she is at rest and happy wherever".
" You are beginning to sound like her. As a matter of fact you remind me of her, that's why i can talk to you freely".
" That's because you haven't forgotten about her and you haven't forgiven yourself either... You should let go of this pain,this burden. It's been 54 years Fr,and i believe that the God you have been serving wholeheartedly has forgiven you long ago. Ain't you tired? Why are you still clinging to this painful past?".
He sighed tiredly " You are the first one to hear this Tonia,i didn't know why i felt like telling you this but i needed to and arguably i feel so much better"
" Why did you live so long with such agony? Why did you cage yourself like this? Why didn't you talk to anyone before now?"
" I just couldn't. But now that i think about it,i will confess to a fellow priest... I don't have much days to live on earth,i still have a lot of things to atone for".
" And just as I l never stopped praying for Thelma,i hope you pray for me too always... I come here every 12 Oct. to visit her and share some things with her hoping that she can hear me".
" I see her every day smiling,it's getting worse these days... And i hope that she can finally find a place in her heart to forgive me".
" I don't think she hates you nor holds anything against you... She forgave you a long time ago Fr, you should know that".
" Touching words Tonia... Well the sun is coming up" He said, looking up at the bright sky.
" Yeah... I can feel it too."
