Tuesday
10.Aug.1963
Every step i take.Every move i make,every single day and every time i pray I'll be missing you
Thinking of that day,when you went away.What a life to take,what a bond to break I'll be missing you.
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🙉
"What is it Thels?. You seem so brooding,Moody and sully again?"...And don't tell me it's nothing".
"I don't understand you Rowland,what do you mean?"
" I'm talking about the fact that you have suddenly grown cold,withdrawn and distance...What is really going on with you?".
" Nothing".
" Stop it Thels,if you don't share your problems with me,who will you talk to?"
" God" She laughed...." You taught me that"
" Funny...What is it Thels?". I asked again getting really irritated with her attitude.
"You really want to know?"
"What's that one? Of course i want to know".
" Bien...Te amo Rowland"
I was shocked,i wasn't expecting her to say that. Of all things complicated,i never visualized that Thelma Albert felt the exact same way that i felt for her. I was dumbfounded and scared too.
"You heard me?" She asked me after what felt like ages.
"Hmmm...Thels...I don't..." I stammered because i was short of words.
"It's okay if you don't feel the same way Rowland,i understand. You are a seminarian with the high hopes of becoming a priest soon,so i get it. But you were so inquisitive and i just had to tell you".
" It's going to take me a long time or maybe forever to quench these feelings and also i don't want you to quit the vocation you so much love and cherish on my account. I will be selfish by asking that of you,but at least i will appreciate a little love Rowland,just a little...Can you do that?"
She set the big question before me. I was mute, because words fail me. I mean it was not like i didn't love her too, but i couldn't make such promises to her.
I thought about the dreams of my dear mother for me, the dreams that had eventually become my own. That force within me that wants to prove my father wrong in more ways than one.
How was i even sure that i really love her to want a forever happy ending with her?. Hell, how sure am i that it's going to be all rosy,fun and lovely with her?. How sure am i that she loves me and it wasn't some kind of mere infatuation? What was even my destiny?
"Your silence says it all Rowland". She said breaking my thoughts.
" You can't feel the same way for me right?... I understand. Just so you know,i hold nothing against you. I'm going to take the little things you can offer,i mean the friendship,i will take that,i will hold on to it and never let go until you finally fulfill your dreams,i will always stand by you on that... And i won't ask for anything more. I'm sorry for bothering you,i will just mend my broken heart somewhere".
With a tiny sad smile tugging at her lips, she stood up from the chair we were sitting at the chapel and extended her hand to me for a friendly shake.
But i wasn't going to take it. She meant more to me than a friend but at the same time i wasn't going to raise her hopes and then finally dash it to the grave because it was certain someday.
Tucking her hands back inside her pockets,she said "Adios Rowland". And then walked away.
I felt empty at that moment. I should be happy, but i wasn't. I was sad, broken and angry. Angry at myself,at life and at destiny....
"I SHOULDN'T HAVE MET HER"
