Rants, Raves & Advice

Suicide & Depression - Romanticising the wrong things!!

I'm sick of this, really, really sick of it. 

Let's start off with a little story. 

A girl I know, a friend in fact, decided that it would be a good idea to make a scene at a party, do the whole drama thing, and then lock herself in the bathroom and proceed to cut her legs with a kitchen knife. You know why? She was 'drunk' and wasn't getting enough attention. 

^^this sickens me. 

I'll call her "Sophie" on here. 

What "Sophie" did was not only stupid and harmful, but also displays something that I feel has gone on long enough. Romanticizing and using depression and suicide as a means of getting attention. 

Think back to The Fault In Our Stars. Very good book and film, really, I loved it, and then people started pissing me off. 

"I want to get cancer so I can have a relationship like that!"

"I want a boyfriend like Augustus, cancer and everything!"

"I want to feel the way Hazel does about life, maybe a boy will come along and change that for me!"

^^ YOU DO NOT WANT CANCER. CANCER IS NOT GOOD, AND CANCER DEFINITELY DOES NOT GUARANTEE YOU A BOYFRIEND. 

^^ Hazel suffered from depression. She was depressed about her life because of an inevitable end that she felt was coming too soon. That's not a good feeling. Not a good feeling!

Here's some other things I've seen (not related to TFIOS):

"Imagine Harry Styles walking into your bedroom to see all your cuts and you crying, and him kissing all of them and telling you you're beautiful <3333"

"Imagine being in a children's home, alone and depressed, cutting every day, until Nash Grier comes to adopt you because he knows you're beautiful and amazing <3"

"Imagine being sold as a sex slave because no one can deal with your suicidal thoughts but then falling in love with the guy who is raping you daily <333"

^^ unfortunately I've seen this stuff being turned into a million part novel on wattpad by 12 year olds. 

It's damaging, honestly. Just think about all the young girls (and boys) reading this stuff, thinking it's a good idea, and self-harming so the 'right person' comes along and makes them stop because they're 'beautiful' - and before you call bullshit, this sort of romanticism is all over the internet and vulnerable tweens and teens are reading it constantly, so don't you dare tell me that not one of these kids will do this in order to get a partner like Augustus Waters. 

Suicide is not romantic. Depression is not a good feeling. Cancer kills. I know I'm stating the obvious, but with so many people not able to use common sense I'm afraid I have to. 

I'll admit something here which will help explain why this affects me so much. While I'm not depressed, or have been diagnosed with depression, I do get suicidal thoughts, and I have cut. 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not spam the comments section with "You're beautiful please don't" because this is NOT what I'm writing this for! The purpose of this update is to tell you guys that this kind of romanticism and using cutting as a form of getting attention is WRONG!

When there are voices in your head, your own voice sometimes, telling you it's a good idea to end it all, and punishing yourself for no particular reason, it's really not a good feeling. It's frightening, and you stand there staring at yourself trying desperately to fight off these thoughts by attempting to convince yourself that you are wanted on this earth. I haven't been happy in years - I recently moved from England to Abu Dhabi and frankly, thinking back to my old school and my old friends, I don't know how I put up with it all. The constant anxiety of what they'll say, what they'll do, feeling ugly and wrong, thinking that everything about myself is just sinful, hating wearing anything but big, loose clothes because of what my 'friend' said about me being too thin, too fat, my legs are wrong, I have ugly feet, I have old lady hands, I have a big nose, I have a small nose, my eyes are too far apart, I don't eat enough, I eat too much, I'm ugly, my breasts are too small, ridiculing me in front of a whole group of other people about my height or my weight or my hair, going home and wanting desperately to change myself. My grades were wrong, my hobbies were wrong, it was stupid that I still liked stuffed toys, childish that I wanted to go to the arcade, idiotic that i didn't get drunk every night or sleep with any boy I looked at. My existence was just wrong, and the moment I tried to stand up for myself, I found that I was alone and no one would talk to me. I hated being alone, I lost so much weight and my hair fell out, I was so desperately unhappy that my brain was telling me that it would be better for everyone else if I just died. I wasn't wanted, I wasn't needed. I was too ugly for this earth. 

You know what never, ever went through my mind during this?

"Maybe I'll get a boyfriend because I want to kill myself"

You know what did?

"How do I make it quick?"

There was no thought about goodbye notes, explanations, love affairs...everything was about how and when. 

I cannot tell you how happy I am now with my new friends and new life. I still get thoughts, but now I've found someone that will listen to me, who knows when the thoughts come without me saying anything, and understanding what I need sometimes. Who can tell when I decided to pick up a razor again. (I've promised him that I won't anymore - it was a bargain, I'll stop cutting if he asked his crush out. He did and I'm so happy for him and her. Four days now, and I haven't done anything)

This is the first time I've openly told people this, and I'll probably delete it after a while, put my point right now is not to tell a sob story. No, instead it's to point out that suicide, depression and cutting is a very, very real and very, very scary thing, and isn't something that pops up only in romance stories. 

It's not happy, it's not good, and it eats away at you. No 'perfect boyfriend randomly appearing' will change that. YOU have to want to change. YOU have to make the decision to get help. 

People who go through this don't openly talk about it, or cut and show others for attention. It's not something we're proud of. You know why people say that depression forces you to wear a smiling mask? Because it does. No, really, it does. It's not something we want to share. So if someone happily admits that they slice their legs or hold the back of their hand to their forehead and wail out "woe is me! I am so tortured! Oh, help me, cute boy!" then they're most likely lying and should be very much discouraged. 

What makes it worse is that these phonies feed off the attention given to them by people who genuinely want to help them through this struggle. Those of you out there who do help others suffering, thank you. THANK YOU. You guys have no idea how much it means to be able to talk to someone, without feeling that they're doing something wrong. 

If you're going through depression, or are suicidal, then you understand what a scary place your mind can be. If you're pretending, seriously, stop. You have to stop. You MUST stop. 

Killing yourself is not romantic. Cutting yourself is not an attention tool. It's a means of escape, of relief for some people. Three seconds of "I'm doing something right", then a day of regret. You don't use it for attention or romance when it's real. 

Depression, suicide, it's not happy, it's not fun. It's fucking terrifying. 

Don't be afraid to call someone out if you know that they're attention seeking idiots. Depression is a real thing people suffer from, and should be seen as that. Someone who is depressed needs serious help, not the cute mysterious boy from the back of the room or Nash Grier. 

Please signal boost this, it needs to stop!