A Verdade Dói, Precisava de Algo Mais Emocionante

Unattainable Is The Dream I Chase

Previously...on the saga of John & Millie, the other Jillie:

"Tell me this isn't the end..."

"John, I had a great time. I don't think I've had this much fun in a long time and I can assure you, this isn't the last you'll see of me."

"But how do you know, Millie?"

"John, I need you to trust me," she said with a lot of eye contact and a little smile that made me melt.

"*kisses cheek* Goodbye, John," she said, getting up and walking out the door.

Oh, here come the waterworks, I thought to myself, and sure enough, I was right. She goodbye Miked me and there was no coming back from that.

I walked down the street, sulking. I don't even remember or know how I made it home that night. It was all a blur. I think I came home in even worse shape than when I had left it, but then I sat myself down, grabbed a pen and a journal, and got writing. I wrote and wrote until the words started to go fuzzy. I wanted to make sure I recorded every detail of that night so that I could cherish it forever for the days to come. And I went to sleep that night with the biggest smile on my face. The best way I can describe the way I felt was like when you reach the end of Stranger Things 3 and you don't know whether to cry, put your fist through the wall, or smile and lose yourself in all of those wonderful moments leading up to the bittersweet ending. The only difference was this wasn't the end. This was just the beginning.

[Possible Ending #1]

But then I woke up. It was all just a lucid dream, one big web of disappointment and lies. I never went to Coney Island, I never met Millie, and I never took her out on a date, but I also did. All of those things happened, just not in my waking life. Somehow, it felt more real than reality itself.

Normally, knowing my terrible tendency to break when I am beaten down time after time, I expected nothing less than to have a full-on mental breakdown, to wallow and sink down into a pit of self-hatred and despair that was too deep to dig my way out of. My frustration with myself and the lack of reciprocated love I have in my life was always so intense to the point that it was unbearable, but this time was different. Odd enough as it is, I had this slight sense of relief, like a burden had been lifted from me. For the longest time, I couldn't put my finger on why that was, but then I remembered what Kate had said. I remembered all of the things that we had talked about- I remembered when she had mentioned that it seemed like getting closure was what I needed most to get past all of this. And for me, this was just that...

I had told Millie how I felt and based on the way things played out, I know that if I was ever to meet her for real at a meet & greet, she wouldn't actually date me no matter how great of a first impression I made. Even though we ended up going on a date in the dream, she had standards and dreams are dreams for a reason. They reveal our subconscious thoughts and desires, telling us to pay more attention to them in our waking life. Ultimately, they aren't meant to indicate the likelihood of something happening, and as much as I wanted to believe that I would be able to change her mind about dating me, I knew deep down that it would never happen. Yet, I still got to live out that fantasy of dating her, I still got to be with her in an intimate way.

There is a scientifically significant incident where a man had a lucid dream about another man whom he had never met and one day they ran into each other in real life. One of them described their dream and the other man said "I know this dream" because he too had experienced and dreamt it. That gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, I had actually connected with Millie on some subconscious level and that she too had with me. I felt some comfort in knowing that.

Being with Millie, I had lived out that fantasy. It was time for a new one. I was ready to move on. I will always love Millie, that's never going to change, but I no longer felt the need to center my life around her and only her. I realized that the combination of my wanting to find love with someone and actually being in love with Millie blinded me to the fact that there could be more beyond her. I invested myself in this idea that she was the only one for me, that no one could ever fill her shoes, but it was a little naive of me to think that just because I loved her, she was the only person I had a chance at love with, especially since the opposite was true. I felt no hatred towards Millie, if anything I felt the opposite, but I was tired of my feelings for her enhancing my depression and compromising my ability to date other people.

Kate and I are both hopeless romantics. We have that in common. We both feel lonely more often than not and want more for ourselves. It was rare when people came our way and we've struggled to find a relationship that was worthwhile, but we're not completely alone. We have each other and that's how we've managed to get through it.

She was always telling me that you don't just find love. It's not that simple. If you're patient and hopeful, it will find you. Love will come. I love her outlook on things. She certainly has a good head on her shoulders.

None of these realizations happened overnight...Oh, no, it was much more complicated than that. I failed more times than I can count, but when I really put my mind to it, I was successful. I worked and worked at self-care and self-love, always trying to find new ways to feel better about myself. I stopped blaming myself for the things that I couldn't control and started focusing on the things that I could. I refrained from asking myself "What if" at all costs, as it always affected me in the worst ways. I no longer felt the need to fixate on the past, but rather the now- I began paying attention to what I wanted and not just who I wanted or wanted to be for them.

None of this cured anything. I was still depressed, that wasn't going to change, but I was discovering new ways to heal and recover, new ways to seal my many internal wounds. Those thoughts that were once chained to my mind like a wrecking ball, wiping out nearly every chance I had at happiness with such swinging ease- they started to fade more and more. I almost felt free!

Now, to me, Millie was the wallet in my pocket. She still followed me wherever I went, but I got so used to the feeling of carrying her with me that I was not always aware of her at every waking moment. She was accessible enough for me to whip out when I needed her, but hidden enough so that I wasn't as tempted to spend my money, or in this case, my time, thinking about her.

I don't know what this next chapter of my life will look like. I don't know who I used to be and I don't know who I'm going to become, but I know what I am now- halfway happy.