Rainbow

Mine

Terrified. Terrified is the only word that can sum up my state of mind right now. I'm pregnant. There is a baby inside of me. A baby who is definitely unplanned. I need them to be okay. I know very well that another loss would kill me. People,who haven't been through something like this can't understand that pain. It's the kind of pain that takes away your smile forever. The kind of pain that rips your heart out of your chest.

"Amelia? Are you okay?" Carina takes me back to reality
"Uhm...yeah...I mean...no,I'm not okay" and I start sobbing...damn,how much I hate letting other see me this weak
"Okay,Amelia,talk to me! I know that this is so sudden but I'm sure you will be a great mother"
"I'm already an amazing mother,Carina. I had a baby,ten years ago,he is gone..."and I look at her "anencephaly"
"What do you want me to do? You want me to check the baby out now?" And I don't know honestly,because a part of me is desperately wanting to see them but the other part of me is petrified.
"Link would be so angry with me if I do it alone"
"Amelia...you can come back whenever you want with him too"
I nod,because I need to know that no matter what my baby is fine. As I lay down on the table for the exam,tears start to fall freely from my eyes.
"Okay,Amelia...breath. You are not alone in this".
I don't want to look at the screen since I'm too scared so I close my eyes trying to focus on my breathing.
"Okay,it seems you are about 9 weeks and there it is...look Amelia"
"No no,i don't want to..."
"Amelia? Look at your baby" and those words made me realize that this baby is mine for real. MINE. And as attracted by a superior power I look at the screen. There it is,a little peanut shaking its little arms and legs. Before I could realize it I whisper "hi my love...I'm your mom and I will protect you for the rest of my life".
I'm still scared since I can't know if something wrong is happening with my baby but for now,I want to keep the feeling of relief and love that is warming my heart.

"Shep? Good day?" Alex asks me
"What?" I reply
"Your smile,girl...I've never seen you smiling like this"
"Oh...yeah,it's a good day" am I smiling unconsciously? I'm still in shock but there is a part of me that is going insane with love.
As I spot Link at the nurse desk I approach him "hey...can we go somewhere private?" I caress his back
"Oh,yeah darling" he is flirting
"Not that kind of private" I smile nervously
"Uh bad private? Like we are done?"
"I'm pregnant,Link...I'm. Pregnant." I say looking at him in the eyes "listen...I don't want to drag you in this if you don't want to...I just want to make it clear,like you know,no secrets or stuff like that"
"Amelia...stop!" And he kisses me,passionately leaving me speechless "I love you Amelia Shepherd".
"Link,I'm scared..." I say with big tears burning in my eyes "I need to talk to you about something" and taking his hand,I guide him to one of those room that Maggie wanted to "relax and lower blood pressure" -personally I find them annoying rather than relaxing.
"Amelia,I'm scared too" he begins "I mean,there is global warming,crazy people with guns,super bugs,antibiotics resistances and....cancer!"
"Link,I lost a baby a long time ago and I donated his organs. It's been the most painful experience I've ever been through in my life and I know very well that it's unlikely to happen again but I also know that if this would ever happen again I won't survive....so,I know it's my body but I think you are free to have feelings" I smile softly
"My feelings are that I'm here no matter what you decide: I'll be here if you want to keep it and I'll be here too if you don't want this baby. As long as you are safe and happy,everything will be fine with me" he touches gently my hand.
"Damnit Link"
He makes me feel so...emotional,probably it's just because of the hormones but still I think I need someone there for me.
"What Amelia? It's something I said?"
"Yes Link! Because you make everything so easy and I feel so....in love,that it scares the hell out of me! And you make me realize that we can make beautiful babies and I kinda can't wait to meet those babies"
"Do you want to go out tonight?" He asks
"I think I'll stay at home...I haven't got that much sleeps the last couple of days. Maybe another time" I say shyly while leaving
"Amelia" he calls me "I love you! And by you, I mean you and the little nugget there" and a big smile flashes on my face.

I'm in bed and I can't sleep: I'm tired,a lot...but my brain is keeping me awake maybe because my mind doesn't want to lose any second of it. Rolling on my back putting a hand on my flat stomach I whisper "hey baby...it's mom. I love you,too much. I love you in a way that I won't be able to describe ever. I need you to be okay. I'm fighting for you,please promise me that you are going to fight for me too. I swear to God,that I'll do everything and a little more than everything to keep you safe. Dad is a good man,you know? He wants you as much as I want you. You are so little and already so loved. You are my rainbow. Maybe you don't know what I mean but I'll tell you when you will be a little older,okay? You are my reason to smile,my little rainbow baby. You are mine,forever." My sweet daydreaming gets interrupted by the bell ringing and after a few minutes a soft knock on the door makes me jump out of my skin. It's Link "hey,I was on my way home and I thought I could come by to say hello and...I brought you food!"
I look at him half smiling and half sleepy but I invite him under the covers "I'm starving,actually" I say.

We ate a lot and we laughed. It's almost midnight and he gets up "I think I gotta go" and after a little of hesitation I say "stay...please!"
"Do you want me to stay? We've never..."
"We will be parents soon so...of course only if you want to"
As coming back to bed he says to me " come here...sleep Amelia. I've got you and I'll never let you go".