Should've Been Me

Tell Him The Truth

Lela

I've never felt so... hurt. I'm hurt, embarrassed and ashamed. He keeps doing this. He cheats, then apologizes and grovels for a while. Then he does it all over again. I just want to be enough. We took vows and promised to be there for each other no matter what. I can't even blame my weight for the issues because the first time he cheated, I was every man's dream.

I shook out of my thoughts when I felt warm soft lips rain kisses all over my face. I couldn't help but smile. My Bubbly. He always makes me feel wanted and sexy. Like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and that's exactly what his eyes tell me. When I look into them I see my reflection and his smile makes me feel warm inside. I've always loved his eyes.

"Why you staring at me like that?"
"I've always loved your eyes..."
"I've always loved yours too."
"And your smile..."
"Yours too..."
"And your lips..."
"Lela, unless you wanna end up on your back with your feet up, I suggest you quit."
"Why do you like me so much?"
"What you mean?"
"Like, you've always been, I guess after me. Why?"
"Have you seen yourself?"
"Yes. But my husband-,"
"Is an idiot! From the moment I met you when I was a jit, you've been so damn fine to me. Even now, I'd tear that ass up."
"Seriously?"
"Yes. You are my dream girl. I wish things had turned out differently but I get it."
"Do you?"
"Not really, but it sounds good."

I sighed as I sat up. I nervously ran my hands together. The only other person that knows what I'm about to tell him is Holly and I know she's never told a soul. I look at him and see the confusion and hurt in his eyes. I close mine to avoid that look. I know I hurt him back then but... I had to do what was best for me.

"Lee, why didn't you wait for me?"

Hearing the emotion in his voice made me want to cry. I've debated about telling this story to anyone else for years. Antoine doesn't even know it all. I looked back at him and grabbed his hand.

"Nas, when we, crossed that line, you'd just turned 18. You were still a baby to me. I knew I was attracted to you and things happened but I just felt wrong about it. Then when I met Antoine, we hit it off. He was closer to my age and I was ready to start a family while I still had a chance."
"What does that mean? Why were you in such a rush?"
"I had a miscarriage Nasir."

His head swiveled around to look at me and I felt so bad about keeping this from him. I could see the lines furrow in his forehead and I saw the confusion. I closed my eyes and kept taking.

"We had a miscarriage. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we had sex. I hadn't had sex with Antoine or anyone else around that time so I knew it was yours. And with you being so young-,"
"What the fuck?! You, you. You had a miscarriage with my child and didn't fucking tell me?!!"
"What was I suppose to say Olu Dara?! Hey, you just turned a legal age but haha! You're a father! No scratch that, you were a father! I just wasn't strong enough to keep it?!"
"No! But you could have said something! Instead you keep that shit to yourself all that time?!"

I closed my eyes and tried to push back my tears. This has always been something that I've struggled to come to grips with. I knew I was doing too much but I was in the peak of my career. Jobs were pouring in and I just couldn't say no. But it cost me more than anyone would ever know.

"I can't believe this shit!"

He got up and began to pace around the room. I'm beginning to feel even worse than I felt before. I try to stand up and grab his hand but he snatched away from me. I set my jaw and looked at him. I might as well finish telling him the truth. Let the chips fall where they may.

"After the miscarriage, the doctor told me my chances of having anymore kids were slim. And that the longer I waited, the more difficult childbirth would be. But I knew I wanted kids. So as Antoine and I got closer and he proposed, I saw him as the saving grace to have the child I always wanted. You were young and -,"
"Naw, don't put that shit on me! Don't speak for me! I would have given you anything you wanted from me! Marriage! Babies! A home! The cars! Everything!!"

I stared at him as his breathing grew erratic. He's pissed and I understand. I wanted to comfort him but I knew not to try and touch him right now. He looked into my eyes and we had a silent conversation like we always do. I can see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes.

"Lee, I think it's best if you leave right now."
"Okay."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes as I walked past him. I was hoping it would turn out differently than this but deep down I knew better. I was wanting him to hold me and cuddle me. But I get it, I do. I grabbed my jacket and my purse and made my way out of his home.

It fully hit me when I sat down. The man that I married and grew to love didn't love or cherish me. The man that I've always been in love with, hates me now. The embarrassment that I feel by being publicly humiliated by my husband, it was all just too much. So I sat in my car and cried. I let it all go until my head hurt and I couldn't produce anymore tears. I decided to go to my hideaway home since the kids were with Antoine.

I drove in complete silence. I didn't want to play any music out of fear that it would push me deeper into my funk. I'd made it half way home when I noticed this car behind me driving really crazy. It was a truck filled with a bunch of college-aged guys. The last thing I remember is stopping at a stop sign then blackness.