Suicidal Thoughts From A Nobody

Dream or Reality?

I woke randomly, not knowing where I was. My head hurt, I was bleeding, limping, and confused. I was lost. I looked around; my surroundings unfamiliar. The town looked abandoned as I struggled to walk across the road. Limp. Limp. Clutch stomach. Grab head. Scream. Wheeze. Cry. Pinch. Slap. My anxiety was screaming, grabbing me by my legs slowing me down. I didn't know what to do. I continued to limp. My lungs crying and screaming for oxygen. My stomach punching and kicking from the butterflies trying to escape. My head pounding as it was hit with the hammering sensation over and over. I stopped. I saw my brothers all smiling and playing together. I scream, but they do not hear me. I cry. "Why?!" I ask myself. "Why can't they hear me?!" The voices in my head laugh. "Because they don't love you" "And they don't care." "You're better off dead." "Give in to the pain." "Die." I believe them for a moment. Because it's true, why would they love me? I'm annoying, stupid, ugly, and just an overall disappointment. A mistake. I start to cry but stop abruptly as my O.D.D. yells at me. "Wake up!!! Don't listen to anxiety. They don't control you. No one as authority over you." Depression laughs. "Maybe not, but I do." I frown as I realize they're right. Anxiety and depression like to invite over insomnia and torment me. No matter what O.D.D. says they still have control. O.D.D. doesn't like that and starts fighting back because no one has authority over me. I start walking closer to my brothers. I tap one on the shoulder. At least I try to. My hand just goes right through. I am confused. I start sobbing. My depression doesn't like that. It's beyond the point of deep sadness, so it makes the tears stop. Numb. I feel numb. No matter how much I try to cry the tears won't come. I move on. There is nothing I can do. They don't want me. I keep walking. I'm getting tired. I feel like I haven't slept in at least a week. Which is true. I was still bleeding out and limping as I walked through the abandoned town. My asthma started flaring. The sweltering heat from the hot sun and humidity made my eczema scream, making my already bleeding skin feel dry and itchy like ants were crawling on me and feeding on the flesh. My stomach grumbled from hunger and I felt like fainting. I was just about to give up when I saw my grandma and ran to her faster than I've ever run in my life. I was just about to hug her when my arms went straight through her body. Not again. I just couldn't anymore as I broke down and laid on the ground. I turn my head slightly and saw my aunt and uncle laughing and watching TV together and calling my grandma and brothers over for a family movie night. All I could think is what about me. That's when anxiety and depression spoke in unison. They laughed and said "I told you so. You're a nobody. No one loves you. No one would miss you if you left heck they probably wouldn't even notice. You don't matter. Go die now. Kill yourself, better yet just continue laying down and slowly bleed out. You deserve to suffer. You're an awful person. A waste of space. Taking up precious life, oxygen, food, and money. All this for someone who doesn't deserve it." They spat at me in the most disgusted voice. I gave in. They were right. There was nothing left for me here. That's when I saw them. My friends. They were laughing and drawing together and looked genuinely happy. Anxiety and depression rolled their eyes as they spoke. "Come on. They don't want you either." Then they all started chanting. "Pity friends!!! Pity friends!!! Pity friends!!!" Then my family, friends, teachers, classmates, everyone I'd known throughout my life, started to circle around me. Finally acknowledging my existence. My grandma started first "Where were you?" she asked. I opened my mouth to speak, but the fear my social anxiety was producing and my speech impediment stopped me. My tongue stumbled and came to a halt as my uncle answered. "Probably eating, we all know she's greedy. Big Liya!!!" he shouted. Everyone laughed. My grandma said "Glutton." More laughter. "No, no", said my eldest brother "she was probably sleeping." Laughing followed. "Lazy," said my grandma. "She was probably mouthing off someone," said my teachers in unison. More laughing. "Disrespectful," said my grandma. "Argumentative, Annoying, Careless, clingy, clumsy, rude, disobedient, obnoxious, picky, ungrateful, slob, pitiful, repulsive, crybaby, pessimistic, weird, immature, wasteful, unreliable, needy, useless." She listed. "Weak," said my grandma. "We don't love you." they all said at once. And I wake up. It's was a dream- well...not really. It's real. This is my reality I deal with every day. Most mental, some physical. But this is how I see the world. This is my life.

Afterword

I struggle with GAD, social anxiety, depression, insomnia, Agoraphobia, O.D.D., and recently I found out I might have sleep apnea. I also have a speech impediment and a tendency to stutter. I've been in a lot of other stressful situations in life that I've had to deal with. From growing up broke to having no parents, jumping from house to house, Physical, mental, and verbal child abuse, bullying, sexual assault, death of close friends and family, addiction, Serious relationship break up, alcohol-related problem, drug-related problem, jail related issues, changing schools, and life-threatening events. But somehow I'm still here. So there's that.-Anonymous Nobody