Chapter 3
I walked back to the living room with a smirk on my face and said, “Kiana, please do that thing you do, it’s that type of situation.”
Kiana dug in her purse, pulled out her Ipad and keyboard and began typing furiously….
Tatyana looked like she was about to shit on herself. I knew she wasn’t pregnant from the moment I walked in, but since she wanna lie and make me have to come all the way over here, I’ma fuck with her..(Lol)
“So, here’s what we do now,” I started. “We need to get an amniocentesis done, so we can get the DNA test. Then we…”
“Wait, what? I’m WHAT?” Tatyana jumped up and screamed. She started pacing back and forth, while Ki looked at me and winked. “OM fucking G!” she ranted. “I’m gonna sue the hell out of somebody! How the FUCK can I be preg…..” Tatyana stopped mid-sentence as she remembered who we were and why we are here.
“Yes boo, unfortunately, you ARE pregnant.” I handed her the “positive” pregnancy test that she gave Kalvin. I switched them when I went to check hers. She ain’t no more pregnant that I am, and you got be smashing to be pregnant, soooo….
“So Ki, is the appointment set?” I asked.
“Yep, she can fit us in as soon as possible. If we leave now, we can get in and out before the game tonight.” She replied. What Kiana was actually doing was making sure the eviction went through and that the sheriff was on his way. We just wanna see how far this ho is willing to go in her scheme. Fucked up, right? NOOOOUUUUUPPEEE! I’ma make sure she got a few bucks, but she definitely ain’t getting five racks. Nor is she staying in ANY property that I own. She better take her broke ass to Latter & Blume or somebody….
Tatyana was sitting on her sofa in a state of shock. She didn’t move, or say anything. She just had her head in her hands, her right knee shaking at a mile a minute. Poor baby. I looked at Ki, who looked like she was gonna explode at any second. Real tears were welling up in her eyes….
“How would you feel if I told you aren’t really pregnant, Tatyana?” I asked quietly. She looked up with a mixture of hope and confusion on her face.
“But you said...” she started…
“THE SAME THING YOUR RATCHET ASS SAID!!!” I yelled at her. “Do you have any IDEA how fucked up of a situation you put yourself in? What if I was REALLY crazy? What if I came over here with my girl knocked on your door and shot your dumb ass in the face because I THOUGHT your lying ass was pregnant? Then what? You dead behind a dollar, I’m in jail, and Kalvin’s nasty ass is off to the next thirsty THOT! I swear to GOD hoes like you make me sick!” I said, grabbing my purse.
“Come on Ki, let’s get the fuck outta here before we catch this bitch brand of stupid. Matter of fact, when we get to the house we gotta shower and change in case her stupid is contagious. We wouldn’t wanna give it to the kids.” I said on my way to the door, while Kiana just cracks the fuck up.
“Wait! What about my five grand?” Tatyana said.
I just cut my eyes at her. I reached in my purse and handed her the non-disclosure agreement.
“Print here,” I said pointing to the paperwork. “Initial here, sign here, and date here.” She did everything I instructed and Kiana handed her a stack of bills. She started counting as we started to walk out.
“Wait! This is only 2 grand! I thought you were giving me 5 grand and letting me stay here for 6 months?” She exclaimed. Really? Like SERIOUSLY?!? This bitch tried it!
“Bitch you lucky you still standing in that spot!” Kiana yelled. Oh, shit, she done pissed Ki off.
“WTF you mean? WE DON’T OWE YOUR NASTY ROTTEN WOMB HAVING RANDOM FUCKING ASS ANYTHING, YOU SCAB ASS HO! YOU BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP!” she ranted. I walked between them.
“Ki, calm down! To hell with her! We got what we came for and she got all she’s gonna get from us. Let’s roll out. You know who is on the way, anyway.” I said, knowing what conclusion she would draw.
“Kalvin’s coming?” Tatyana asked. We just looked at her, rolled our eyes and walked out the door. “Good, because me and him have some things to set straight! Gon send y’all over here with this…”
I closed the door behind us and walked to my truck was waiting, still huffing and puffing. My wifey is HEATED!!!
“For this ho to hit us with the “But waaiit!”” she said in a whiney Kevin Hart kind of voice. I burst out laughing. Kiana is funny as hell, even when she’s angry.
“Ole Teddy Rugsbin lookin ass ho. Where the fuck do Kalvin find these thirsty ass booga wolves he get pregnant?” She went on. “Like is there a club named “Bargain Basement Bayou Bitches” that he goes to? These tired ass bitches. And why the fuck do they all wear sweatpants? These hoes KNOW they ain’t going to nobody’s gym, like WTF?” I’m literally crying laughing, like snorting, mascara-running, hiccup laughing, but Ki on a roll. That girl really put her in her feelings.
“Ole bald-headed 1-800-rent-a-weave ass bitch!” Ki said, finally winding down while I try to catch my breath.
“Kiana, your ass is crazy as hell!” I say while looking in my vanity mirror and fixing my eyes. “So did you get in touch with him?” I asked.
“Yeah, he should be pulling up right about now. I made the other arrangements too.” She replied. Just as she finished her sentence, a constable pulled up in front of the house, followed by a Starving Students Moving Company truck. I rolled to the bottom of the driveway and spoke to Marcus, the constable.
“How are the dastardly Divas today?” he asked with a smile. Marcus is fine as hell, though. Imagine Tank’s body, Shemar Moore’s eyes and swag, and Lance Gross’s smile…. Mmh, mmh, MMH! He’s like a human Snicker’s bar…..
“I resent that, sir!” I say with a smile. He doesn’t know the full story of most of our evictions; he just knows it happens often.
“Riiight... but, y’all look nice today, especially you, Ms. Camden.” He said, staring Kiana down. She just blushed and said, “Hi, Marcus.” all quiet and such. Waaaaiiit….Kiana is never quiet unless….. ooooh, LET ME FIND OUT SHE GOT A CRUSH!!!! So she not gon jump on that?
“So Marcus, what are you doing later?” I asked casually. He was staring at Kiana so hard he didn’t hear me. “Huh?” he asked. I repeated myself and found out he was going out with his friends to fish fry Friday’s at the Zulu Club.
“Really? Maybe we’ll see you there after the kid’s game?” I asked, causing Kiana to glare at me. I turned to Marcus and winked while nodding my head at Kiana, who was too mad to see what I was doing.
“I hope so, especially you, Kiana.” He said with that 100 watt smile of his. I turned to her and she literally melted right in front of me.
“Okay, you go do what you do and we’ll see you later,” I said.
“Okay, have a good one ladies!” he said while heading to the door. We drove away with Kiana staring back at him, then she popped me in the back of the head.
“Ow, Ki! What the hell?” I screamed.
“Bitch, how you just throw me off the porch like that? What if I don’t wanna date him?” she fussed at me, pouting.
“First of all, you was staring at the man like he was a cold cup of Kool-aid on a hot summer day, second of all, you need to get the bats knocked outta that belfry, and third of all, who said anything about dating? He just gonna be in the same place as the same time as him, that’s all. Stop trippin. Besides, he likes you too. Now let’s go spa it out and go shopping before the kids’ game. My treat.” I said.
“Okay, but only because you’re treating. Besides, it’s starting to look like Oprah’s Hair on “Beloved” down there.” She replied. KMSL Kiana is crazy ass hell!
