And Then it Happened

22

The guilt was eating me alive and I hated keeping secrets from her. Fuck it, here goes.

"Look Sydney, I have to be honest with you. I like Cameron...well...liked? I don't know anymore. I'm just trying to say that I realized I had a crush on him while you guys were dating..." I take a deep shaky breath and look down at the ground, not wanting to look into my best friend's eyes. I didn't want to see her reaction.

When Sydney stays silent, I continue to speak. "And out of respect for you and your relationship with him, I swear I did nothing with him. I didn't even tell him. In fact, the minute I realized I was forming real feelings, I pretty much cut off all contact with him. Which is basically why I haven't been talking to him much the last few weeks," I say – basically word-vomiting. When I'm finished with what feels like the monologue of eternity, I exhale deeply.

There's a pause. Sydney stays silent, as do I, baiting my breath and waiting for her to say something. Sydney's face distorts in confusion. Oh no, what have I gotten myself into? How did I get myself into this mess?

Finally, Sydney speaks. "Wow...um, I had no idea. You guys had this weird rivalry going on for years, and when you were becoming civil with each other I thought you were trying to be friends for my sake. I had no clue that you had feelings for him." Sydney pauses again, biting her bottom lip as she deliberates on what she should say next. "Honestly, it kind of sucks hearing that, I won't lie. It's never fun hearing your best friend has a crush on your boyfriend," she continues.

"Syd, I'm really sorry. I didn't expect it to happen. And I swear to you that nothing between us ever happened. You're my best friend and I'd never do anything like that to you," I add.

A small nagging voice in my head whispers that I wasn't being completely truthful – something did happen between him and I; homecoming night in the janitor's room, he kissed me. It was a drunken kiss, but it was a kiss, nonetheless. I figured that it wouldn't help telling her that now though.

Sydney gave a sad smile that didn't reach her unusually dull sea-green eyes. "I know, and I appreciate the honesty, but the breakup is still just a little too fresh. It's just not what I really wanted to hear right now." She then laughs humorlessly. "God, now I feel like the asshole for basically parading our relationship right in front of you. How does that work?"

"No! God, Syd, no. You are fine! You were happy and in love, it happens. Besides, I didn't really realize I liked him until pretty much a few weeks ago and by that point, i had started to ignore him as much as I could. So I completely understand," I say as I nod my head empathetically. "And I know, I'm really sorry. This wasn't the best timing, I get it, but the guilt was just eating me alive and I've felt like a terrible friend the past few weeks and I just needed to get it off my chest. I hate keeping secrets from you."

This time Sydney gives a real chuckle. "Yeah, you never have been good at keeping secrets have you? It's been one of your traits since we were younger."

Seeing that Sydney was finally feeling a little bit better and able to find humor in this shitty time made me feel better. "Yep, pretty much," I agree as I rock back and forth on the heels of my feet.

There's an awkward moment of silence that fills the air between us. I don't know whether or not to change the subject, and I couldn't really figure out where to go from here. Luckily, Sydney decides to change the subject for me.

"So, I think I've learned from this experience that boys are dumb and friends are forever," she says. "I can put aside the fact that you had feelings for my boyfriend...well, ex now...if you can put aside the fact that I've been a love-blinded crazy lady and forgive me for being a terrible friend because I was so caught up in a bad relationship?"