The Words - An Autobiography

Shocking Revelations

We agreed to forego the traditional rehearsal dinner. My fiancée had no family to invite, and she'd been too focused on her studies to take the time to make friends over the past four years, maybe longer. So, finding bridesmaids was a challenge for her, enough that she may have asked my sister if I hadn't forbidden it. As it was, she shocked both her ex-roommate and me when she asked her to be maid-of-honor. But she insisted that they'd gotten along great once they'd worked out their dispute over the ribbon on the doorknob and loud masturbation.

I told her I had no problem with having only a best man. Then she ran into her old high school friend, who'd brought her to the dance club the night we'd met and, rather than simply inviting her to the wedding, spontaneously asked if she'd be a bridesmaid. She explained that it wasn't that they were ever that close, but if it weren't for this girl, she would likely never have met me. So, I asked my younger brother, who'd gone to live with my father, to be a groomsman.

Alone on the eve of our wedding, I had no responsibilities or anyplace to be. I was a nervous wreck. I was surprised to hear the doorbell, and I ran to the door of what would soon be 'our' apartment, thinking it must have been my fiancée, not wanting to be alone either - even though she'd been quite insistent that the next time I saw her, she'd be in her wedding dress walking down the aisle. She claimed not to be superstitious any more than she was religious, but she didn't want to chance us falling asleep and waking together the morning of our wedding.

Ironically, since moving out of her dorm after graduation, she'd been sleeping in my old room and bed. My mother felt bad about the disruption to our plans caused by the blow-up with my stepfather. And sensed the bad blood developing between herself and my fiancée. So, she invited my fiancée to stay.

I was surprised to discover that it was my mother at the door. The hope of seeing my fiancée flaring in my chest, it was a wonder I didn't throw my arms around her and kiss her lips or more before realizing my mistake. And I'm sure I must have shown my disappointment.

She asked me to sit and began our conversation with the admission that she'd probably made a mistake marrying my stepfather. She'd been giving that decision serious reconsideration. Then she apologized. "Sorry, this is hardly the ideal conversation to have the night before your wedding?"

Ideal or not, her words jolted me from the anxious buzz of my self-centered thoughts. I told her, "I've had issues with my stepfather from the beginning, but when you found out he'd taken my money was the first time I'd ever seen any kind of friction between the two of you."

She told me, "The money was certainly part of my reevaluation since it goes to the heart of honesty and trust. I felt that he'd misled and lied to me. Add that he'd hit you when I wasn't around to witness it. I should have paid more attention. I've also spoken with your brothers since. He's been rough with them too, not as much as he's been with you, but he's knocked them around. Your stepfather hasn't mistreated your sister in any way. I asked her a list of questions. I might have killed him in his sleep If there'd been any issues. As it is, I didn't know how I could trust the man again."

I replied, "I can't imagine my sister putting up with anything without letting everyone know. And, if he'd hit her, she'd have been more likely to hit him back than any of us."

My mother apologized again for giving me such a hard time over fighting. "You and your father were right. You should have always been allowed to defend yourself." She was thoughtful, clearly reevaluating more of her life than just her more recent marriage. "I still don't like fighting and never will, but I went too far with you. Your siblings certainly have no problem fighting, except the oldest of your brothers. I doubt he's ever hit anyone in his life. Your youngest brother, on the other hand, is a total hellion. And you're right about your sister. She beat up some kid for picking on your pacifist brother a few years back. I'm not sure the other boy will ever live down the humiliation of getting the hell beat out of him by a little girl in a skirt and knee socks."

Then, my mother shockingly informed me, "Your stepfather has no interest in sex." I was stunned, unsure I could trust that I'd heard what had just come from her mouth. "What?" she asked, seeing my reaction. "I love sex. That was the best thing about my marriage to your father. Why do you think I took him back all those times?"

I gasped out a short laugh, having no preparation for that revelation.

"What is so funny? That someone my age shouldn't be interested in sex anymore? First, I'm only forty. You'll be amazed how quickly you'll get to be my age. And it isn't funny. It's been a problem from the start. I'm still not sure what to do about it, but I certainly didn't want to put all of you through the turmoil early on of being uprooted again."

She started to cry.

I stopped laughing and said, "I wish I'd heard you say something like this years ago. I always had the impression you thought sex was dirty, and I've been ashamed of every sexual thought I've ever had. You lectured me about not having sex until I was married to the point I've felt guilty any time I've done more than kissing my fiancée."

"I still believe you should be married before having sex," she told me. "But I'm surprised to hear that you and your fiancée haven't. I didn't think anyone waited until they were married anymore. I'm not sorry for telling you to wait until you were married, but I am sorry if I've ever made you feel sex is anything less than wonderful. That was never my intention."

I had no way to process what she was telling me. The words were contrary to what I'd believed my entire life. She went on to say, "Being a parent is difficult. My parents left me to raise myself. They were never present in any real sense. So, I never had an example of being a mother, good or bad. And you were my first, so, unfortunately, you suffered the most from my trials and errors. Your father was never much help. But, in his defense, he didn't have any examples of how to be a parent either. Still, I never knew when he would be there or if he would come back when he left. He was a big, goofy, unreliable kid. He skipped along like life was a big playground and never took responsibility for anything."

My mother apologized again. "You are getting married in the morning. Please forget anything I've ever said to make you feel bad about sex. I hope you and your fiancée will enjoy sex. Do you, the two of you, enjoy it?"

I can't imagine the expression that must have appeared on my face. But she continued right along, "I know you said you've never had sex. By which, I assume, you mean actual sexual intercourse because I also can't imagine that the two of you have been entirely abstinent and haven't found ways to enjoy yourselves that you can justify aren't sex."

Both her observation and the question that followed were another shock. I was tempted to tell her that was private, and I didn't want to discuss it. Instead, I confessed, "But I feel guilty and worry that I'm going to hell when we do."

"Does your fiancée enjoy it too?" she asked. "You need to make sure it isn't just one-sided. I once heard someone say, or maybe I read it, but 'It isn't over until everyone gets their cookie.'"

"Holy shit, Mom! Yes, I'm sure she enjoys it."

"Good. I've worried that your fiancée might be a bit uptight. But, if she can let her hair down, that is good. That's important that you both enjoy it. "

I replied, "I don't think my fiancée has the same issues I do. Her grandmother insisted on marriage before sex too." Then I scrolled back through my memories of recent experiences that I wasn't about to share with my mother and recalled that my fiancée had seemed to struggle emotionally the first time she'd had an orgasm. Instead, I told my mother, "You are a good one to talk about being uptight about sex."

She disagreed and insisted, "You have no idea. I'm not uptight at all. There has never been such thing as sin in my marriage bed, either one of them. So, please, throw away any rule book you think I've given you. Because I've never had one."

"Wow! That will take a while to sink in," I told her. "But maybe I can get to where I have less of your voice in my head in the future."

She frowned and said, "I hope you don't have my presence in your marriage bed, even if it is only my voice. There should only be two people in that bed."

"So, just to clarify, threesomes are off-limits?"

She frowned. "Always a smart ass in the crowd. Yes, since I believe you should be married, and polygamy is illegal, that is off-limits." Then she changed the topic. "Do you want to get something to eat? We could see a movie. Otherwise, it seems obvious; you're going to worry yourself crazy."