Queen of the Headphone Zombies

Fanfare

The Reason // Hoobastank

Emerson

I'm pacing outside of Chelsea's front door once again. I know she's back from the wedding because her car is in the driveway. I'm going ape shit out here; all this waiting is making me completely unhinged. I texted Chelsea the second I left the gig with the guys. I've been blowing up her phone for the last two hours trying to get some kind of a response. She finally answered twenty minutes ago that she was leaving the wedding and to meet her at her house. I don't care that it's two in the morning. I need answers. And some fucking help before I lose my shit, even more then I already have.

I still can't get the image of Zoe turning and running away from me out of my head. I keep playing it over and over again. Keep hoping each time somehow it plays out different.

I wanted to go after her, but instead I found myself frozen in place. I had been a mental case the moment she looked at me with those eyes. The moment I realized she knew. She looked at me like I was the worst piece of shit in the world. She ran away from me with tears streaming down her face. Why the hell didn't I chase after her? Because I had been frozen in panic, frozen in guilt. Not sure what to say to make it all go away. Why the hell hadn't I come clean to her about the act Chelsea and I were putting on? Obviously somehow she found out Chelsea was "my girlfriend". And now she thinks I cheated on her like that asshat ex Dylan.

I rub my face and try to get the image of Zoe looking at me like she'd never seen me before, like she no longer knew who I was, out of my damn head. The total irony here is that she's the only person who really does know me. Those song lyrics weren't just words on paper, that was the truth of my heart, my soul. Zoe is the only person on Earth who sees me, and until tonight, the only person who believed in me. And now I've gone and fucked it all up.

After Zoe left, Roger and Josh took off one way in the van, and I drove home in the opposite direction. And once home I washed off the green zombie make-up and changed out of my Vicious clothes, and I just sat on my bed with my head in my hands, trying to figure a way out of this mess.

The only road out is the truth. I know that, it's what I should have done from day one, but now my problem is trying to get Zoe to listen to me. To hear me as I tell her the whole story. And the only way that is going to happen now is with Chelsea's help. But blondie wouldn't text me back until now. And Zoe has probably blocked my number at this point.

I don't know how long I sat on my bed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I had hit rock bottom. Of course, the music didn't help. Listening to music that was ripping me apart— Hoobastank had every emotion I felt buried within their words. ...not a perfect person... Not even close. I'm a mess. ...a reason... That's Zoe. She's my reason. ...to change... I'm done being that guy, the one who spent his life hiding himself.

Sitting there alone in my room, going over everything I was losing by keeping things to myself, but refusing to let people in, I finally felt the shift. A deeper understanding of how I need to be different. I thought I had changed, but I wasn't open with Zoe. I didn't communicate what was going on in my life, going on with my parents. I sure the hell didn't tell her about my plan to use Chelsea as my beard. If she ever gives me a chance to explain, gives me another shot, all of that has to change. I have to seriously let her in to every part of my life and every part of my heart.

And as I was having this realization about my life, my mom knocked on my door.

"Emerson, son? Are you home?" her voice called out.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and added it to the rock in my gut. "Yeah, mom. Come in."

The door opened slowly. My mom peeked in. "I wasn't sure if you'd be alone." She had a little concern in her eyes. "Is Chelsea here with you?"