Something I want to share

10/12, morning

I’m trying my best to find a source of motivation for myself to keep writing because recently I haven’t been feeling down, for some reasons that I felt unmotivated to tell. The four things save my days this week was an email from Mr. Fred, my online friend, an order from my teacher that wanted to buy my card, getting to know this courteous girl in the library and a comment that makes me love what I’m doing again. I’m supposed to feel encouraged and grateful right now and have nothing to worry about but I just can’t fully distract my mind to these small things, even tho they meant a lot to me. Lots of things going in my mind, whether I deserve to have any difficulty in making friends, whether I did something wrong in the past that makes me immensely feel isolated from the rest,...I just don’t feel that everything is fair anymore, not that I have been through a big event that brought me all these negativity but it’s just right now that I decide to bring it up to your guys. I don’t need pity, it’s hard to keep my mind neutral and talk about this stuff in a sane and calm way of talking so yeah, don’t cringe because everything I’m doing is just sharing, I can’t identify the kind of emotions I’m having while writing this, it’s probably not as excruciating as before, not really that I was hurt to the point I can’t feel anything, but I’m just a little bit disappointed. 

Do you want to know why people with tons of sadness tend to hide their negative side away and cover their wound with a piece of unsterilized fabric? It’s simple, friend, they just don’t want to see the true reactions from others once they unravel it to the world. Not all people would shy away, but some may potentially hurt the sad ones by saying things they don’t really mean to, things that would give the sad people false hope, or let them know that they the listeners can’t mind more to handle all this negativity. This can reason why some depressed individuals suffer from chronic loneliness since they can’t find anyone to understand, I’m going straight to the point right now so call me weirdo or anything you want for bringing this up to you again. And wanna know what I call people who cringes whenever they know someone having depression? Coward, and the act of cowardice is not just the attempt of the depressed to commit suicide, but from those who didn’t wanna help. They surely could have done more to support those who are depressed by just spending time opening up to them, setting aside all the cliche saying and be completely an average human who can feel pain and have a hard time finding the meaning of life. I have lots to tell but I’m not sure if you can’t read this ‘till the end since I probably have scared you, but for whoever wants to read every word in order to leave a comment, whether to oppose my opinion or not, I will be completely frank and honest with you, as I have said from the first chapter I wrote after my birthday. Even though not all the time I write that I can keep my way of building perception neutral, you might see some exaggerated emphasized terms, but later please note that I knew it wasn’t really right and I would....admit that it’s wrong.

Dear positive thinkers, I don’t know if you’d boo this stuff since you may be included in 161 readers who viewed my writing, but I just want to ask you one thing, why do you always boo people who can’t think positively? Why do you always tell them to do the only things that they don’t even know how to do right? Seriously, some said thinking positively means that you belittle the problem, make it sound less serious and I totally understand, this can do in many ways including talking about it in a calmest and most joking tone of voice, pretending like it’s fine, or trying to balance it with other good aspects of the problem. I don’t mean talking about it is bad but it depends on how people react to it. I remember losing most of my friends because I talked too much about my problems at home, they just got freaked out, although I don’t blame them for that, I was hurt by ignorance, but if I ever happen to be shared sadness and gotta listen to someone, I’d listen to that person with all my might, and let him or her know that I would do my best to make myself the right person vent on, because I have experienced the worst feeling inside a sound body, and if I can get anything from it, I’m willing to help the rest who is struggling. That, I believe based on some Tedtalk I watched, is called vitality. I’m one of the luckiest ones whose parents, families could understand them and become tolerant with their depression, their moodiness, and I understand that not everyone is as lucky as me to have people understand them, my depression came from a misunderstanding with my dad so there's still way to fix it, but most people suffer from not only depression, but also trauma from different event. I just want to do something for them.