War of Hearts

Chapter 5

TW

Two days earlier

Charly's POV:

A pain stirs through my tempels.

I put a hand to my head and groan in pain. What did I do?
My eyelids gluing together, my eyes burning. Another breakdown behind me.

I force my eyes open, blinking a few times to stop my vision from being blurry. It's dark in my apartment, the sun has set and it might be late, I don't know.
I lean myself onto my elbows, straightening up as through the movement another bolt of pain is shooting in my head. I squeeze my eyes shut, take a deep breath and push myself up into a sitting position. The pain throbs again.
I am sitting on my floor, the lights out, my bathroom door wide open and having the back of my head being bloody and probably a little swollen.
I banged it, probably multiple times. I press down onto it, I do have definitely banged it against something solid.

I grown, burrying my face in one hand, the other stays on the ground as I need her to steady myself. It has been a bad week and a worse weekend and the worst day. I hadn't had breakdowns that bad combined with anxiety attacks since... I don't know. I guess they've  never been that bad.
Again I take a deep breath in and finally stand up, leaning against the wall to steady. But I can't stand here all day I need to do something against the pain, even though it will heal soon.

Still kind of numb and dizzy I stumble into my kitchen and search for pain killers. I always have some, because I have a tendency to get hurt. If it wasn't me then it was some stupid circumstance, because I happen to be clumsy. As I find the pain killers I push two of them out and get myself a glas of water. I swallow them, wash them down with the liquid and sigh. They will take a while until they do their work, because fairy's are more resistant against such substances. I also take out some antidepressants and swallow two. I don't know if I took some this morning, but I don't want to have another breakdown tonight.

I decide to lay down a bit for I feel totally exhausted by doing nothing. I slur back into my living room, my body working mechanically, feeling like a heavy burden and I let myself fall onto the sofa, burring my face into the pillows.
I take a breath.
I am awfuly aware of my thoughts.

I should talk to someone. It's not good to bottle up those feelings. I... Yeah I should. But with whom? I don't know... I don't want to bother anyone, so maybe I shouldn't talk, they would only be disturbed by it. It's not good to heave this onto someone else.
But I could meet with someone anyway... Just to be with them. It would make things easier, it would take my mind away from the sad stuff.
But what if I break down? I often do this infront of others, of my friends especially. But I don't want them to see that ugly part of me.
No, I shouldn't meet someone today, the best might be to go to bed.

I feel alone though. But... No. I will stay her. And ... I'll just go to sleep. That'll be best.

But I still am alone.

All alone.

So fucking alone...

And then I get sad, the real bad kind of sad, where you feel like everyone is happy having their perfect lifes while you lay there in your own misery, getting nowhere. It's not even creeping up on me, no the sadness hits me full on right in the face

Tears start to steam down and I press my hands onto them to stopp them, or to feel something I done know. But I still feel bad... so bad. And lonely, and sad, and empty.
I shouldn't be here. On this earth. A sob escapes my mouth at the realization of how unaccepted I feel, of how wrong. There could be lots of others worshiping life more than I do. I don't even want to be here...
I... I don't want to.
I am alone and no one needs me. No one wants me. I pull up my nose.

I...
I breath in, shaking. Still tears are streaming down my cheeks, coming together above my mouth, tasting salty as they run over my lips dropping by my chin. I breath in and it turns into a sob again.
It hurts, the feeling of being not enough and also being unneeded, unwanted. The feeling of being so alone.

Now I can't stop the sobbing, seeing again absolutely nothing because it's dark and there are tears everywhere and hearing nothing but my sobbing echoing through my lonely place.

I chluche a big pillow to my chest and totally give in to the sadness and cry. Fuck. I cry even harder.
I can't tell for how long, could have been minutes or hours but I don't stop. I don't want to, but I also couldn't if I would try. Not even that.

Slowly but surely a coldness is creeping in. I lay on my sofa shuddering and sobbing, crying out in pain. I grab a blanket burying myself in it, but I don't get warmer so I stand up. I stumble towards the kitchen, seeing almost nothing in my dark apartment and I open one of my cabinets. In there is some alcohol, only the hard kind because I feel nothing if I drink a beer or some wine, and also a grey plastic bag filled with some fairy drugs.
I take a bottle of Jack out, open it and pour some in my mouth. I mainly drink alcohol because it will warm your insides and this is something I need right now. I put the Jacky down onto the kitchen shelf and grab the plastic bag. Being in the delirious condition I am at the moment the bag slipps through my shaking fingers and falls to the floor, spilling all it's content.
From partypills on to intoxiants everything rolls around the floor, under my table and chairs, leaving only a package of purple grains in the bag.

This are the seeds of a flower from the Seali Court usually being used in low portions in baked things. It is causing Fairy's to cheer up, but on humans it has always different impacts. For me it always seems to have cheered me up or even made me happy.
So I carefully pick up the seeds open the package and pore some on my palms. A few more.
I will not waite until I have baked something, not that I'd be able to anyway, so I put them onto a plate and quickly warm them up for ten seconds in the microwave. I get them out and immediately eat them. As they enter my mouth they leave a strange taste found in every seeli courty based food.
I bite down on them, satisfied by the cracking noise they make. I bite down on them with a lot of hate or let's say frustration.

I pick back up my bottle of liquor take a big swallow and head back to the sofa. Now feeling comfortably warm, numb and kind of happy again as the seeds take work immediately I'm overcome by exhaustion.