War of Hearts

Chapter 6

major TW

A few hours earlier:

Charly's POV:

I wake up from the feeling of falling  down and bolt up.
It still is dark around me and it seems like I lay on the floor beside my sofa, my heart racing. I am cold again.
The Jack Daniels still standing next to the sofa I pick it up and put it to my mouth without thinking.
I can feel its path downwards inside of me, but it doesn't feel warm. It tastes bad.

Something is wrong, I stand up dizzy and stumble to the toilet. I have to hold myself onto the door frame but I got savely into my bathroom. I feel sick to my stomach.

Oh why did I have to trink? Whyyy... I feel like throwing up and my head hurts, a pain stabs in the back of it. I bend down to the toilet and wait. But nothing is coming, so I start to shake, my breath going faster. Not again please. In eager to stay calm I dig my fingers into the toilet rim. But it won't work, it never does, I always fail. Because that's what I am, a failure. I breath heavy.

I hate myself. I shouldn't be living. I am a waste of time and space. I don't belong anywhere, neither here nor there. Especially not to the seelie court. I try to take a few breaths deep into my lungs to calm myself.

Finally I let go of the toilet, letting my self fall back onto the floor hitting my head again, resetting the spiral.

Why do I live? What is this for? I am not needed. No one needs me. I am a waste, a failure, I shouldn't be living. I don't want to live, I want to disappear.

What have I ever done in my life? What have I ever achieved? Right nothing. I swallow bitter. Tears in my face again.
And I never will get to anything, to any point, because I am useless and not good enough. I should die. I don't want to waste anyone's time or be in the way of others. Because that's what I am.

I don't want to.

I start to rock myself back an forth, back and forth, crying, sobbing again.

I hate myself for this, being so emotional, being on this earth. I don't want this.

I want to disappear.

I want to die.

I am sorry.

I shouldn't be living.

The feeling inside me tears me apart, I can't breath. I can't breath. I need to breath. Or maybe I should stop? So I would die.

I hold my breath. Still sobbing.
I put up one hand to cover my mouth and nose, so I won't breath.

But eventually I gasp for air, again bursting into tears.

Why couldn't I just die?

There is nothing easier. I just need to...

A thought crossed my mind.

I stand up, trembling, stumbling into the wall in my floor, but keeping on the direction headed for my room.

I open the door, suddenly calm as a clear plan forms in my mind.

Under my bed is a box, which I need right now. I lay down and stretch on arm under my bed, first finding nothing and my panic rising again but then my fingertips strive the edge of something.
I reach a little further and get a hold on something. I pull. And find the wooden box with two iron stripes running along it.
I blow down the dust and with a touch on the lock I open it.

Inside lays a beautiful sharp dagger, the only thing I got from my Dad, the only Fairy thing truly mine.

I get it out of the box, running a finger carefully along its blade until it cuts my fingertip.

A drop of blood runs down my finger.

And I burst into tears again.

There would be no one missing me. No one. But no one needs me. So why should I stay?

I get angry, because my life is a waste, because all the pain was for nothing and I grab harder onto the handle of the beautiful dagger.

I grab it an set it down onto the skin of my left arm, right below the wrist, right above my vein.

Again I burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I sob and press onto it.

A sharp pain sours through my arm but I push even harder, anger rises back up. If I would have never existed I would have never had to do this.

I trace my vein with the blade of my father's gift, so he would be the reason I lived and I died.

I hate him.

I hate me.

Blood spills out of the line I drew onto my arm. But it's already starting to heal again, so I cut again, this time with more force and deeper, weeping over the pain. Tears in my eyes.

This time it doesn't close, so I move the weapon to my left hand ignoring the pain and putting it down onto my right arm.

Right under the wrist, right above my vein and I cut.

Deep, again with all the hate I have, for myself, for my Mom, for my Dad.

And it is not closing itself, my healing ability not working. And I don't want it to. I am angry. I hate the world.

And I cut again, again and again.

Until I am exhausted and my arms both are numb.

My blood is everywhere.

It has ran down my arms, onto my legs and onto the floor. It is dying the blade from my father dark and red.

I stare at it. The dagger slowly slips from my fingers because of my own blood feeling wet like water, but thicker on my skin.

With a loud, metallic sound it falls to the floor, suddenly snapping me bag into reality.

What did I do? Oh good, what did I do? I turn hastily around to see all the blood. It is so much. It is too much.

Oh why? I start rocking myself back and forth again.

Now I am going to die.

I... Why? Why did I do it? I... How...

I hate myself.

I am not sorry for myself but for others.
Not for my mother and neither for my father but for my friends.

Oh I am so sorry. Magnus, Alec, Kaitlin, Maia, Bob...
What did I do? They don't know, they won't understand, they will be in pain? Oh no why did I have to do this?

Everything I do is wrong.

I need to apologize.

I push myself up, struggling dizzy towards my door.

Oh I need to tell him...
I need to tell him that I love him...

I stumble against my apartment door, grab my robe, pull it over me and shove the door open stumbling down the steps until I'm down on street level.

I open the front door, push it open and start walking.

As my door falls shut the wind begins to blow and drops to fall.

Ignoring it, but still feeling the blood dripping from my fingers I stumble down the street. Into the night.