Alice in Wonder-City

A Mad Tea Party

The music pumped freely through the cramped and rowdy confines of the pub. The woman at the mic was barely distinguishable, drowned out by the ruckus of the men at the bar. Three hours till closing and Comedy Night was just getting started.

Reserved at the front, centre to the under-budget stage, at a large mahogany table, sat three.  A man with an exceptional hat, a man with exceptionally large ears and a man with a not so exceptionally great alcohol tolerance (who was currently face down in the complimentary bowl of peanuts). From them a whirlwind of chaos was spiralling; cheese cakes, tarts, sugar biscuits, all manner of hors d'oeuvres flew from the table.                    

They didn't much like the last speaker.

"May I please sit with you?" Alice used the politest, most well-spoken tone she could manage. She'd not realised how popular tonight would be and never even thought to bother booking a table. She was starting to wish she had, it was mad in here.

"No." The three at the mahogany table didn't spare her a glance, and only two bothered to reply, but one of them wasn't conscious enough to do so anyway.   

"Oh! I'm sorry. Are these seats reserved for your friends?" She felt awful for trying to take someone's seat, it had happened to her before, she'd had to stand for the entire meeting.

"Yes, they are reserved. For us."

"For you? But there's only three of you." It didn't much make sense to Alice, there was enough room for a large party yet only three were seated.

"Yes, for US!" The man with the extravagant hat spun round. "Are you deaf girl?!"

"Deaf?! Me?!"          

"Yes, you!"     

"No, I'm not deaf!"             

"If you're not deaf than why are you yelling?!"

"You should be deaf with how close to the stage you have pushed your table!" Alice really wasn't sure she liked this man. At all.

"I prefer the term Selective Hearing. And I select not to hear you." With a flourish he faced the stage, a man spoke now, telling jokes about a broken chair.

"Well I suggest you hear this! You Sir are a rude, obnoxious, piece of...."

"I like your flair girl. Sit."

"What?" Alice was sure this man was bonkers, he snapped like a fire cracker from mood to mood. It was utterly exhausting.

"Sit." Erring on the side of sanity, Alice sat two seats away from them, she didn't want to catch anymore crazy.

"Want some tea?" offered the large eared man.

"Oh. Yes please?" Alice was unsure of this man's intention. His friend was unpleasant, what was he?

"That's good." The large eared man returned his attention to the stage, a man was now discussing the meaning behind the word 'Joc', he even had charts and diagrams to accompany the act. Alice noted that in the charts the word 'Joke' was misspelt.

Alice thought it best not to question if there actually was tea available and instead settled for a glass of wine. A woman stepped up on stage, the two men started up a rather loud conversation about.... well Alice wasn't quite sure what it was about but it sounded like a lot of nonsense. Never one to be left out of the conversation Alice decided to put in her two cents.

"I like your hat," a compliment, always a good ice breaker.

"I hate your hair," a rude comment, always a good ice shatterer.

"Excuse me! That's very rude! I didn't tell you that your nose is too large for your face."

"You are excused." With a flourish the hatted man stood from his seat. 'Oh good,' thought Alice, 'maybe he's going to find his manners.' Nope. In an exaggerated gait he strode up the rickety steps to the stage. Exaggerated throat clear. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Oh, I know this one!" Alice loved strange riddles. "It's because a raven's feet are..."

"Because a raven can't write so it gets the desk to write for it."

'Well that's not right,' thought Alice, 'that's not even slightly right.'

Turning to the other two remaining table occupants she found them paying their full attention to their 'comedic' friend, even the sleeping man had awoken to listen to his ludicrously hatted friend.

"He does realise its beca-"

"Shh! You are being awfully loud! It is rude to interrupt an artist such as he!" So, it seemed the ridiculously large eared man was a coin, spinning between two faces; outrageously rude and halfway polite. Alice had had quite enough of comedy night and she didn't particularly want to stick around and discover if the third man was as joyful as his friends.

"I think it's time for me to leave."

"Time is a construct." Past time she left.

"Goodnight."

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