boyfriend | fillie

so complicated

"can you get me some cranberry juice?" i asked while laying on the bed, covered in fluffy blankets and pillows surrounded me.

ophelia still hadn't popped out yet and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a tad bit worried, i knew this was perfectly normal and nothing was wrong, i just wanted to hold my baby.

no matter what the doctors said about the tumour, i knew nothing could be done. and i figured i'd have at least a few years with ophelia still, i talked to finn about and he didn't even wanna hear it. he told me was disappointed that i was thinking this way, but it's the only way i could think at this point.

finn smirked as he walked into the room with a mug full of the juice "surprising me today, maybe?" he asked while handing it to me and turning back around, i rolled my eyes and took a sip before putting it back down "come lay with me" i pouted and crossed my arms. he looked at me the down at his feet "i have work to do, millie.." i frowned and sighed, finn was always working now. he quit his old job since his mom knew someone who worked in law, and finn got a job as a lawyer, of course he was still 'training' and working toward the top, but i knew finn would be a good lawyer, he was great at overdramatizing things and arguing.

he walked out and back down the hallway quietly, leaving me alone in the bedroom. i turned the tv up a bit louder and looked out the large window, it looked like it was going to snow, which made sense since we getting into that time of year. i smiled lightly at the thought of having a winter baby.

i sighed again and looked down at my belly with a little chuckle, "you know, ophelia.. you're not gonna get to have what you want and neither will i.. your dad is gonna be a busy dad." i bit my tongue at the thought of finn working all the time, of course he would always be there for me and ophelia, but he did have work. and part of me worried things would go downhill because of that, we weren't married but things like work always ended marriages. that's how my mother and my father's marriage went, he worked all the time and never had time for us and ended up having an affair while leaving my mother at home all alone with three kids.

i knew things would never turn that way with finn, ever. he was faithful to me 100% and i was sure of it.

i finished my juice and laid down in more of a slump against some pillows, i closed my eyes and dozed off slowly, letting sad thoughts rush through my head.

i woke up a few hours later, my eyes turned to the bright light in the room which was the reflection in of the snow outside. while i had been asleep it looked like there may have even been a blizzard, yet it was so beautiful. something so hazardous.

i turned on my side to see finn laying with his face halfway into the pillow, his mouth hung open slightly and small snores left his throat. his hair a mess, all over the place. i felt so bad for him since it seemed like all he did was work now. and i knew i most likely wouldn't have been here forever to watch him and ophelia, i knew finn would be a great parent and always have the best interests for our girl, but he was turning into a workaholic which scared me. i got up and walked over to the window, eyeing all over the bow snow covered city. cars rushing by, people walking their dogs and children down the snowy streets, some children playing in the snow. i smiled and hoped ophelia would get that one day.

i coughed a bit as i walked down the smooth hallway and into the bright living room which was lighted by the snow outside, i looked around to see no finn and couldn't help but feel disappointed. he wasn't obligated to wake me up or anything or even say goodbye before going off, but all i'm saying is that it would have been nice.

suddenly the head-ached pain came back and i growled lowly, clasping onto my head softly and looking down. i knew cancer was serious and all but i couldn't help but wonder why mine wasn't being taken so seriously, i knew they were doing everything they could but it felt like i wasn't going to get any better sooner which made me worry all the time now, i couldn't let something happen to me before the baby was even born, and i couldn't imagine how finn would feel. i looked down at my belly and sighed, how could i have let this happen? i should have gone on earlier and maybe it could have been gone right away. pain and regret flushed through my body as i sat down on the floor in front of the window, my legs crossed and my hands resting on top of my knees on each side. everything seemed to stop at this very moment, i had just felt like crying like crazy and now i was more relaxed than ever, maybe it was the glistening snow outside, the way the small flakes fell ever so softly onto the patio, the glass of the window, the cars driving by and the streets people walked on.

somehow i felt like i was one of those snowflakes, i was only 16 right now, and if you think about it, a snowflake doesn't linger very long. they will fall down as they are coming into this world, they fall freely in the sky and dance about as they please. but then they come crashing down sooner than later into a big blanket of other flakes. and they melt, along with the thousand others who crashed before them, if they're lucky they stick and stay around for a while. those are the people i expected didn't get pregnant at 16 though, i was one of the crashing down ones, that melted away into nothingness. that was my fate, i knew it. it seemed so cold and dark suddenly again and tears formed in my brown orbs, now i wanted finn more than anything, just for him to hold he and tell me i'd be okay, i knew it was a lie but it made me feel so much better knowing there was a lie to tell me otherwise.

things seemed bad, and they'd only get worse. i knew finn loved me and i loved him, i mean heck we were having a child together. but part of me wandered off to the thought that if i hadn't let finn have sex with me, maybe i wouldn't be where i am now ?

that thought made me angry, not just at myself for letting me get into such a situation but at finn too, he put me here and he meant well. but look where i was! i was doomed.

i'm a motherfucking trainwreck because of him.