ɮts ɨʍaɢɨռɛs

Memoir

It was a Sunday morning, and I was doing some cleaning while my daughter was busy studying for her finals, and  my  husband along with my younger daughter have gone to the church,

When I felt a sharp pain that rushed through me, causing me to take a seat on the couch in the midst of vacuuming.

"Eomma! Are you alright? What's wrong??" My daughter rushed to me upon hearing a thud, and assisted me to sit on the couch.
"Sweetie, d-don't mind me, eomma is alright, I just slipped." I replied to her, my hands on my chest, struggling to breath fine as she caresses my back and forth.

"Go back to your studies.. I'll just take my maintenance." I ordered her, still she refuses to leave my side and insisted we go to a hospital to have me checked up.

"Eomma, please let's just go to a hospital. It might gets worse." I shook my head at her, I don't want her to miss a single day to review when her finals is coming up, and I do note it on my mind that she is graduating her masterals soon, and I don't want to be a bother to her.

I woke up with a white light surrounding me. The sound of beating apparatuses woke my mind. Where am I? I looked around me, only to see myself lying in a white room and those apparatuses are connected to me. What am I doing here? How did I get here?

My eyes shot open, only to really find myself in a hospital room. When did I get here? And how?
As I was wandering my sight around the room, I heard some faint voices talking outside.

"How long will she live?" – it was my oldest daughter Alleria's voice.
"I'm afraid she'll only live for only a short time. I'm sorry,  Alleria-ssi" and some muffled sobs. What are they talking about? I pretended I was asleep when I heard the door click open.
Whatever I heard out there, I'm sure of it. This is my remaining hours in this world.

"Eomma how are you feeling?" I turned to see her slightly swollen eyes and a red nose.
"I'm feeling just fine" I replied simply.
"Eomma... I've got something to tell you"  her tears are forming up on her eyes as I gave her a nod as a permission.

"I'm engaged eomma! I'm getting married soon!" She squeals, wiping tears of joy from the side of her eyes as she shows me a gleaming diamond jewelry on her right ring finger.

"I'm so proud of you, sweetie" I know I've got to make the most of it, because time is running, clock is ticking.

"Kamsahamnida eomma. Call me if you need something. I'll just take a rest." She answers before falling into a deep sleep beside me.

"amugeotdo saenggakhaji ma
neon amu maldo kkeonaejido ma
geunyang naege useojwo" I hummed to myself as I looked at the window.

My mission here on this world is done and there is no any more reason for me to stay.

I've kept my promise, my vow as an army back in my younger days.

"nan ajikdo mitgijiga anha
i modeun ge da kkumin geot gata
sarajiryeo hajima"

To the boys I loved before, and will always love, how are you doing? Are you still making music? Perhaps some of you are watching your children or grandchildren grow, while you are just sitting and reminiscing the past.

"ojik neo hanaman boyeo
na ojik neo bakken anboyeo
bwa gongjeonghaji gongpyeonghaji neohante bbaegon da
ijen dan harudo neo eobsineun please..." I looked over to see my daughter awake, singing a part of Hold me tight.

"You're awake already?" I asked her.

"I can't sleep properly. By the way, what are you thinking about eomma?" Ah that's right. It's my final hours.

"Smile when the time comes, my sweet." I told her, leaving her in slight confusion.

1... I've fulfilled my promise as an army, and now I'm just proudly watching my daughters grow.

2...... I'm ready to let go.

"siganeul meomchullae
i sungani jinamyeon
eobseotdeon iri doelkka neol irheulkka
geobna geobna geobna" I looked at her as I sang it.

"Eomma please, don't joke around, it's not even funny!"

"nal jabajwo nal anajwo (kkwak anajwo)
Trust me, trust me, trust me
kkwak jabajwo nal anajwo
Can you trust me, can you trust me
jebal jebal jebal kkeureoanajwo" I can feel her struggle not to break down in front of me.

3.... Please let me sleep forever. My mission here is done.

"Eomma please.. You have to fight... You're not giving up, are you? Y-you still have to be the guest of honor for my wedding..." If I can close my ears to prevent me from hearing my daughter's pleas, I would.

"Lonely lonely lonely whale
ireoke tto han beon bulleobwa
daedap eobtneun i noraega
naeire daheul ttaekkaji
No more, no more baby
No more, no more
nunmeon goraedeuljocha nal bol su isseul geoya
oneuldo dasi noraehaji na..."

4... Remember, shine dream smile

"Shine, dream, smile, my sweet." I let go of hand that was tightly holding mine.

"Eomma, jebal! What about me and Arianna? Are you going to leave us?"

5.... If I could, I can take you with me, but not now.

"Don't call them." I firmly answered to her cries.

6.... I made the right decision.

I am not  anpanman with  supernatural powers to slow down time.

I made the right decision to become an army, and be the wonderful person I am now.

I've fulfilled my promise, Bangtaneun Sonyeondan. Till my breath do we part.

"ima kimi no te wo
hanaseru you ni
I gotta let you know that I need to let you go
Hard to say goodbye
demo nigenai
I’m ready to let go

chuun gyeoul kkeuteul jina
dashi bomnari ol ttaekkaji
kkot piul ttaekkaji
geugose jom deo meomulleojwo
meomulleojwo..."  I smiled at my daughter as a tear rolled down my eyes before the heartbeat monitor machine went flat.

"An army now and forever, till my last breath."