I thought I was fine. Actually, I'm way better than I was years ago, but I'm still scared of myself and of my feelings.
I hate that I have opportunity to do things but then I just can't get out of my bed.
Today I had another breakdown, and it creeps me out because I don't ever wanna go back to the situation I went through when my depression was at it's highest level.
I started practicing Muay Thai so that I do something when I get home from college, but even though I wanna do it so much I just can't get out of bed, and today it was like that. Makes me wanna scream, makes me wanna cry, makes me think of all the things I wanna do but just can't stand up to it.
And again, I feel that need to punish me, but I promised myself I wouldn't do that never again. But then my compulsive eating disorder strikes in and I just cannot stop thinking about eating. All I wanna do is get off bed and make something sweet for me to eat.
Until now - that I'm writing this - I'm still in bed trying not to go to the kitchen and trying to convince myself into doing at least some exercices from YouTube so that I don't feel too useless and worthless.
My mind feels a little less pressured after writing this, but it still hurts. I still wanna cry, but at least I finally gathered the courage to do this.
YOU ARE READING
Stupid Boy's Diary (not a fanfiction)
Non-FictionI'm mentally unstable and needed to out my feelings somewhere. You don't even need to read this, it's just a therapeutic public diary. But if you wanna talk to me or comment, feel free to do it.
