Finn realizes his mistakes in the power of madonna.
They held the note, loud and strong, with their hands high up in the air.
Their voices reached a dizzying crescendo before they all stopped, arms held high, faces beaming towards the empty audience. He saw Mr. Schue give the final cutoff, and he looked around to see the reaction from his fellow gleeks. It had taken him days to arrange this song, and he was more than proud of it. He'd been taking his co-captain duties to the next level these past few days. They were all running around the stage, hugging the choir that so graciously agreed to be their back-up for this song if they take it to Regionals. They sounded awesome, and he was sure Rachel would be ecstatic with how it sounded. . .
He turned around to see Rachel spinning in the arms of Jessie St. James, a beaming smile spread across her face. Jessie was holding her close to him in his arms, stroking her hair so tenderly. . .
He ran off the stage after the song was over, trying desperately to clear the emotion out of his throat. It burned with a dry ache and his eyes were prickling with the sting of unshed tears.
FUCK IT. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.
Once he got out of the school, the carefully placed veneer cracked, and the emotion he'd been trying so hard to keep bottled up, exploded out of him in a tremor of sobs. What a fucking week.
He got into his car and slammed the door, blocking out the world and taking a second to breathe and stop being so damn hysterical. He was being a bit too literal today with the whole "Feels Like For A Girl" thing. That song was really getting to him.
Taking deep breaths, he closed his eyes and let his head fall forward onto the steering wheel with a dull thud. He'd barely felt it. He had too much on his mind at the moment to focus on pain.
All he thought about was Rachel.
He had lost her. In trying to find his inner rock-star, he found his inner-douche instead and broke her heart like shattered crystal. He could still remember the look on her face when he broke up with her, and the detachment of her voice when she'd said she had a new boyfriend. He'd done that. He'd chased her into the arms of another man. A man who could sing and dance like Fred-Fucking-Astaire. It made him sick to his stomach.
He was from their rival team, Vocal Adrenaline, but he'd moved to Lima so he could be closer to Rachel. In doing so, he also joined New Directions. Now, Finn had to suffer through rehearsals seeing them act like the world revolved around the other.
He didn't know what was worse, the fact that she had a new boyfriend, the fact that she'd lied to him about it. . .or the fact that she'd lost her virginity to him.
His hand hit the steering wheel with enough force to hurt his hand, and he focused on the pain there than the pain in his heart. What the fuck had he done? How could he have messed things up so badly?
What's worse, he thought to himself, is that you and her could have had your first times together, instead of fucking Santana in some seedy motel.
The thought elicited a true, anguished scream, tearing from Finn's lips, filling the small car with the sound of Finn's pain. His throat hurt from the force of his scream, and he couldn't stop the tears from gathering in his eyes again. He could only imagine, Rachel's small, petite body underneath Jessie, crying out his name, feeling a hell of a lot more than Finn had ever felt during the deed. The screams continued as he broke down and really started to cry. He'd lost her.
A knock on his window brought him back to reality and out of the despair of his inner turmoil. He looked over and Rachel was knocking on his window, a worried look etched across her features. As he rolled down the window, he tried desperately to wipe away all traces of tears, but to no avail. She could tell that he'd been crying.
"H-Hey Rach, what's up?" Trying to be nonchalant, he ran a hand through his hair and tried to stop the tears from gathering in his eyes. It didn't work.
"Finn? What's wrong?" She was bent over, looking into his messy car, a frown set on her lips. He wanted to kiss her; to pull her into the car with him and drive as far away from here as possible. They could make it in New York, maybe. If Madonna could make it in New York with 35 bucks in her pocket, he and Rachel could do it with a lot less.
But instead, he tried his hardest to smile and said, "Nothing, I'm cool." The way her frown deepened warned Finn that she truly didn't believe him, but he didn't care. He looked out of his front window and saw Jessie waiting for her by his car. It was black, shiny and expensive looking. It made his little Honda look like a piece of junk. He could feel the jealousy burning under the surface. Yeah, he might have shook the guy's hand in front of Rachel, but that didn't mean he couldn't hold a grudge against him in his head. Unfortunately for him, some of his vitriol seeped into his tone. "So what's up? Loverboy is waiting for you."
She shook her head sadly, and handed him some papers. "You ran out of the auditorium without your sheet music.
Mr. Schue said he wanted you to clean up the harmonies by the bridge. Can you do that by Thursday?" He sighed deeply. All business, as usual. He supposed he would have to get used to it. Gone were the times where they could just sit and chat for the hell of it. He'd made a promise to stay away from Rachel, and he would have to suffer through her absence from now on.
He looked up again and saw Jessie walking towards the car. There was no way he was about to have a civil conversation with him, so he turned to Rachel and begrudgingly said good-bye.
"Yea, I can fix the harmonies. I'll see you tomorrow." They shared a shaky smile and she turned around to meet up with Jessie. Her boyfriend. He wondered if this was how Rachel had felt, all those months ago, when he was still with Quinn.
The song from that afternoon popped back into his head. He would never be able to hear this song again without thinking of Rachel. "Do you know what it feels like for a girl? In this world?"
Pulling out of his spot in the parking lot, he hummed the song to himself as he left the parking lot. He spotted Jessie's car as he drove by it. He watched as Jessie opened the door for her, and helped her get into the car.
At least he was a gentleman.
But when she looked up, and made eye contact with him from their respective cars, something inside of him flickered with hope. Her eyes were filled with such sadness, such longing, when they held for the shortest of seconds as he was pulling away.
He knew that look. It was the way he'd looked at Rachel since Jessie moved to Lima. He knew what it meant too.
She still had feelings for him. "Strong inside but no one knows, and, good little girls they never show it. . ."
He broke eye contact and pulled away, heading home. He sang the song the whole way, screaming the lyrics.
He knew what it felt like for Rachel. The sadness, the longing.
He felt the exact same way.
THE END
