Gone

A BRIEF

So I guess this is good bye right?

Yeah I guess so.

Those were the last words we said to each other since the last day of high school, the worst day of my life, the day I found out that I had possibly screwed up all my chances of ever being with the only guy I had ever loved.

The only guy that completed me, the only guy who made me feel like I was loved, the only one who I had grown so fond of, his smile, laughter, the way he spoke, walked, or was it the jokes he made that never seemed to make any sense to me but did to him.

It was then I realized that I had wasted the three years of high school lying and being in denial of how I felt about this same guy, this same guy who, I, after graduation party, had called to ask if he was still around the school, and I wearing only a singlet and three quarter short, had ran out to meet just so I could tell him how much I had and still loved him,

Funny,

But, yeah like those English movies it was late he was so far from me and no matter how fast I had walked just to meet up with him I just couldn't and neither could I call, no I couldn't because I wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing.

I wanted to tell him, speak my mind to him, tell him how much I didn't want to loose him to be far away from him, that I was fine not being called girlfriend, I was fine if he wasn't even going to make us official or if he didn't even feel anything for me, I was fine with all these as long as he just knew how much I love him how much I didn't  want to loose him, how much he meant to me, how he made me feel happy, how I treasured our talks and chit chat, but then I just stood there on the road and watched him go, I had stopped running because I had come to realize that no matter how much run, walk or even jump just to reach him, he would always be far away, far from me, very far.

Graduation day,

Graduation night

It's mostly the best night of people's lives because they get to finally leave the torment of the four walls of school, the day they tell school uniforms and teachers good bye and fuck you freely without receiving any form of punishment, but not for me it was the worst day of my life.

That day I realized that it was finally over, and that goodbye was a ringtone in my head, I never liked school, but then I liked him, I never loved my books but then I loved him and that night I knew my heart had stopped for a minute because for the very first time, everything stopped, and it was just me in my thoughts and then flashes pictures of us, talking, laughing, walking together and pictures of the past four years clouded my eyes for a minute and it was then that it dawned on me that I had lost the very thing that I should have never let go, it was my mistake and one I would have to deal with for the rest of my life.

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Twelve months ago
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Books check,

Uniforms check,

Most importantly,

Me and my sanity, check.

That was all I needed for my last session or year in high school, me and my sanity, I was sure just like the past three years in my school this year wasn't going to be easy and a smooth run, and that I might not be ready for the things that might happen, but then I was sure that just like the other years as long as I had me and my sanity intact I was going to scale through this and any thing else, I was going to be fine.

I didn't have to rehearse my words like I did in my first year,

I'm fine...

I'm great...

I'm cool...

I'm okay...

My name is...

I'm from...

I am...

I had stupidly looked at the mirror in my first year in this school and constantly practiced for three hours how my first day of school would be, now looking back I sound foolish, no, more of naive, but this was my last year in high school, and there was absolutely no need to check my self in the mirror and rehearse words or tell my self you would be fine it just one more year to go or it's just two more years to go or chill, breathe in and out, it just three months for this semester.

No,

No more of all that I was sure that if I could make it through six years of secondary school and four years of being in that crazy mad house called school that I got later transferred to then I could survive twelve months, I just needed to be brave, strong and always make sure my sanity was intact. Sanity, that's all I need to have so that I could survive this year and I wasn't going loose it, not this year.

I was happy.

I had survived,

Yes,

Survived.

Because being in this school for four years now I was a survivor with best surviving skills.

I,

Survived being called names,

Yes, names like,

Gold digger, liar, chimpanzee, prostitute, cheap, foolish, jealous, ugly, unforgiving b***h, foolish and dumb, waste, useless, hoe, b***h, monkey, arrogant, stubborn, Amoeba, gorilla, shapless, and so on.

Survived being the pawn in the hands of those beast who disguise and parade themselves as teachers, and who just like beast won't stop at anything untill they see you broken down.

I survived those leaches,

Yes,

Leaches,

Why are they called leaches because just like leaches they might be small, or tiny and hold no importance in your life, but then just like leaches they are deadly, they will suck you dry, but not your blood, no, not your blood, but your sanity, yes they will suck every bit of your sanity, slowly and gradually make you loose mind and,

Yes,

Like leaches they are never satisfied, they want more, more, more and more of your sanity,

Fact is I chose to forget all of this, because despite all this, despite all that, despite all that happened, I had made it, made it to final year, and that was a testimony,

Yes,

Testimony,

Testimony, that I could almost taste the freedom, and for the first time in six years I could finally see the tunnel at the end of the road and I am sure it had sign post which would read freedom, because I was finally going to be free and you had no idea how happy I was, how glad it made me feel.

I had survived

And that was all that mattered.