Gone

COLD FEET

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THREE YEARS AGO
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I was sure today was the day, the day I finally get to tell him how I feel about him, I had gone over the lines, over and over and over again, emphasis on the over, I was going to tell him I loved him and that I wasn't just making it up but for the first time I not only felt like I was sure, but I was definitely sure, I knew I was sure that I loved him and for the first time I was going to him, I was going to speak, tell him how felt.

Please note, in my part of the world telling a guy you like him is considered being cheap, talkless of even telling him you love him. You have to be the "chase" or "chased" not the "chaser", emphasis on the chase, "chased" and "chaser", probably what most people from my part of the world didn't know is not every one get the chance to be the chased or chase and that once in a while a girl can be the chaser".

But for what is worth I was going to do so anyway, I was going to ignore all that and tell him no matter what.

The plan was simple I get to school that morning, after morning assembly, I talk to my best friend and to help me take him to the biology lab which was were we held most of our most regular and frequent visit, that lab sure had seen and heard a lot and if only it had mouth, it definitely wouldn't keep quiet.

I was going to tell him in the biology lab, I was done pretending, being in self denial and for the first time not only will I tell him but also I will be telling my self, my own self how I felt about him and how much I didn't want to loose him, and how I wanted the remaining three years of secondary school to be me with him, by his side.

I was ready to make all the changes, those changes he had asked me to make within my self, which I took to correction so quickly, I had began making those changes in me and I was sure that if I told him how I felt about him he probably would notice the changes and then realize that I did that for him, and that I would do anything for him, anything.

I got to school that morning and my best friend, who surprisingly is also his best friend, ( warning, our friendships are complicated, don't try to understand them).

I got to school that morning and my best friend who like I said was also his best friend walked up to me and told me she had something so important to tell me, I didn't like the tone of her voice so I asked if it was bad or good and if it was bad she should nod once and if good, twice, the moment she nodded once a part of me knew that my day and plan had already being spoilt.

I didn't know what it was that she had to tell me this time and what it was again that could go possibly wrong in a day like this when I had promised myself to tell him I liked him and then we went to the biology lab where she brought out her phone ( yeah my school allows for phones to be brought in as along as you don't use then during teaching hours), she showed me a chat of the supposed guy who I was meant to be pouring my heart out to and telling how I felt, a chat of him and her and he was telling her about how he still loved his ex and how he still wanted to be with her so badly.

I was so angry but not at him,

No,

I could never be angry at him, but at myself for being so stupid for thinking that he could ever even think of liking me, for thinking telling him how I felt would make him start liking me, wow, I had never felt so angry and foolish in my life, never felt so heart broken and then there and then I swore to my self that I wasn't going to ever tell him how I felt about him.