The Author's Stories

Visiting The Room

It's the same room. The same dark gray walls and black floor. Everything is the same, except the Christmas lights... I don't understand why they would be here though. "Welcome back." A voice from behind me calls, her cold voice sending shivers down my spine. "Why did you drag me back down here? I've been doing good..." I asked helplessly. Theres no point in attempting to escape this hell and I know it. "See, you say that... But you're still lying." Shes on my right side now, her warm breath is tickling my ear.

"I haven't gone back to old habits in a while, I'm being more honest, heck... I'm even going outside more often." I dont understand why this always happens. And why are those Christmas lights seeming to scream at me..... "You have just picked up new habits. Slapping is harm... You're causing harm... And as for opening up, ya. More like being an open book. Shes going to hurt you with everything she knows. You're basically asking for all this pain. And going outside? Right. You aren't taking proper care of yourself in the slightest. Just look at yourself. You're a wreck." She jabs a finger into my chest and I try to avoid her accusing eyes. "Please just let me go back... I'm tired of coming here...." I beg, starting to already feel my energy slipping away. "No. Not until I have my fun. And plus, you didnt even say anything about the decorations." I once again stare at the bright bulbs. "They're just lights..." I respond, confused as to what she wants. "Just lights? Wow... You really are a failure. What would he think of you?" She practically growls at me. "What should Christmas lights mean to me? I dont care... And what do you mean he? I dont know what you're talking about." I sit down, the overwhelming energy in the room is sucking out any strength I have. Shes killing me... Again...

"Liar. How about this?" She pulls out some kind of bee related chapstick. "Are you trying to tell me my lips are cracked?" I ask. I'm confused. I dont understand. What does any of this nonsense mean? "No! Stop denying that this stuff reminds you of them! Remember!!!" Her yelling is becoming fuzzy as I start to drown out everything, but a quick slap to the face has me gasping for air. "What!? What do you want me to remember!? Just tell me and I'll say I know what you're talking about!!!!" I just want to leave.

"...... Have you really gone that low? You... You won't even admit to remembering these things?" Her voice becomes soft as she slowly transforms into a small girl... A small girl with bows in her hair and a cute girly shirt. Shes sad... Why is she sad?

"You dont remember.... Walks with him? Or... Or how pretty she was? Or peppermint kisses? Or Christmas lights? You don't.... You don't remember any of it?"

Silence....

"....... Do you remember me...?"

Silence...

"Please.... Dont forget them. Dont move on... You cant move on or everything we went through will just be pointless! I dont care if it all hurts so much! We need it! We need the pain!!! Without it, nothing will matter!!! You'll go back to being lonely! YOU'LL GO BACK TO BEING ME!!!!!!" And then a pause....

"I'm sorry... I forgot how upset this makes you..." Its almost impossible to calm her down... but it's worth a try.

"Please try to remember... Please dont let me disappear." I wrap her into a painfully sweet embrace as she slowly sinks back into me... A giggling, pink, twinkly feeling lights up inside me and I know shes with me again. I know I can hang Christmas lights up in my room, and take walks barefoot, and look at pictures of her, and wear chapstick... I know deep down that in the end, I'll move on, but I will never forget her.

(I wrote this a while back when I was having some seriously intense self hatred for the more feminine side of me. I often associate her with my younger self, that has cocooned theirself with a cold shell. But when it all comes down to facts, all that's in that shell is a sad child that doesnt know how to handle their emotions and doesn't want to be left alone. )