Cal Pal

Letter 4

Dear Lucas,

        Everything is all a blur these days. One day trailing into the next. It's been a month and two weeks since you left me here, Luke. I don't want to be here anymore. Without you by my side, everything is useless. My ribs are starting to show through my shirts, and my hands are permanently bandaged. I won't stop punching the walls, Luke. I'm numb. I don't feel anything with you gone. The pain from breaking the skin on my knuckles at least lets me feel something. If only for a little while. I don't know how long this will work. What if it stops working? What will I do. You aren't coming back, and I've accepted this as a fact. It's not like you can anyways. I mean what, am I expecting to wake up one day with you laying next to me? I've gotten over that fantasy, although I still wake up crying your name. Fuck, Luke. You were my life, and now that you are gone I have no life. It's all drained out of me. There's no way to get it back. I'm basically dead. I have a pulse, beating heart, and uneven breathing, but that doesn't mean I'm alive. I'm just a pathetic shell, Luke. You did this to me. I don't dare blame you though. The note you left me, explains the reasons why you couldn't be with me anymore, although I wish you could have just told me something sooner. Maybe we could have worked it out. Maybe you'd still be in this bed with me, and there would be no hole in my heart where your love should be. I miss you, Luke. I don't know if I can last on this Earth without you by my side. I wish you hadn't left, Luke. I'm so lonely.

Missing you 24/7,

        Cal Pal xx