phan one shits

I just can't say 'no'

Hey guys, I'm Phil. This is an educational story about how you always should say 'no'.

If my friends would describe me, they would say I'm a good, positive person. But I have secretly a big problem nobody knows off. I just can't say 'no'. I really never could. Back then when my aunty used give me a big kiss on my cheek when she was visiting us up north I already couldn't say 'no'. Internally I was determined to resist to her licking my face but on the outside I seemed to be lighthearted and enjoying it. And later, back in school my friends talked me into starting a YouTube channel, as they had one as well. I didn't want to because it seemed to be kind of geeky, but I just couldn't say 'no' to them. And that's where the problems started.

I checked my Twitter dms and there seemed to be a familiar face to me being slided into them. It was Dan, a massive twink, which was spamming me and trying to get my attention because he apparently seemed to be madly in love with me. How creepy. Since I was aware of my problem I didn't even start a conversation with him and just deleted all of his dms. I wish I could at least have explained to him that I'm not interested in him, but as I can't say 'no' I probably would have agreed on something I didn't want.

I kept scrolling through my dms. I started a few new chats with some strangers but I made sure, they weren't that stalker. Now I was chatting with a dude called 'moistbreadslap'. He seemed to be pretty ace, a bit random though. Suddenly he asked me, if we could skype. I felt like it was to early for that, but as I can't say 'no' I agreed on that. So I called him on Skype and I recognized him. Dan.

He probably created another account to catch my attention. Successfully. I didn't want to be rude so didn't just end the call. Which made me agree on now paying attention to Dan and responding his messages. Before we hung up, he asked me, if we could skype again some time. I just can't say 'no'.

Why am I like that? Why do I end up agreeing on everything?
On the outside I may seem positive. On the inside I just hate everything what I agreed on brought me. My life is a mess and this Dan was just making it worse.

I ended up on Skype with him a lot. Then he asked me, if I would like to meet up with him in Manchester and maybe go to the Apple store. I hate Apple stores. But I had no choice but to agree. Why was I always staying this polite, I could just have hung up?

So on October 19th we met at the train station. Dan seemed to be super excited and blushed. We went to the Apple store and Starbucks and ended up on the Manchester eye.

"Can I kiss you?"
Dan reached out to me. Eww, gross, I'm not gay.
"Yes."

And there it begun.

"Will you be my boyfriend?"
Fuck, this went too far.
"Of course!"

"Let's go on holiday together!"
I'd rather be alone...
"Yes, I'd love to."

"Do you want to move in with me?" No, I don't want to have you around all the time.
"I thought you'd never be asking!"

"Do you really love me?"
I never did, I hate you!
"Of course do I love you."

"Let's do this radio show together!" No, that would be weird.
"Yes, amazing idea!"

"How about a gaming channel?"
I love playing video games, but not with you.
"Best idea ever."

"I had this idea of writing a book together..."
No, I don't want to feed our toxic fanbase anymore.
"Sure, I've always wanted to."

"I want to tour the world with you!"
I just want to stay home alone.
"This sounds fun."

"I miss being on tour."
God, I'm glad it's just over.
"Yes, me too."

"Can I come with you up north for Christmas?"
No, I don't want you around.
"Sure, you're part of the family."

"I'm planning on coming out on YouTube. You too?"
I am not and never was gay.
"Yes, I think it's finally time to. Happy pride month, honey."

I just should have stopped. I just should have run away. But now I can't anymore. It seems to be too late.
Dan is kneeling down in front of me. He's giving a little speech, probably of how much he loves me and of how the journeys we've been on has shaped our relationship.

And then he's saying the words I've always been the most scared of hearing ever since we met.

"Will you marry me?"

He's pulling out a ring.

No. No, I don't want to marry you. I hate you more than ever. I just finally want to be free. Why for God's sake can't I say no? I'm desperate.

I try it. Really hard. I form my mouth to say no, I stutter.
I think I have it, I let go, and-
"Yes."

Fuck.

He kisses me.