Razor

[PART TWO]; Razorblade (Circling The Pit)

I never wanted anyone to know my secret. Even though I was a stupid kid, I still knew what I was doing was bad. I didn't self harm often, only when I got the chance. I was getting a sick thrill from the memory of the blood dripping from my arms... It was all I thought about. I was sick and nobody noticed. They didn't expect it... when has a child ever done something like this anyway? It was almost always teenagers. It didn't matter what sort of self harm I was doing whether it was using my fingers to scratch at my skin until it bled or if it was as bad as ripping my own skin off my body and playing in the mess I made. 

I continued doing things this way, on and off for years but one day in 2017, I realised it just wasn't enough for me anymore. What was I supposed to do? Tell someone? Fuck no, telling someone is the last thing I wanted to do. I was a teenager now and I told myself I'd be fine. Nothing would happen, I had control. With every cut, I would tell myself I had control and that I was fine. Little did I know I was fucking addicted and I was circling the surface of the pit that would almost cost me my own life in the coming twelve months. 

A few months into 2017, I met a girl called Aida. I'm not sure what it was, but there was something about her that just drew me in... At the time, I was sure I was straight. There was simply no way I could fall in love with another girl, right? She was my type, I just didn't know it yet. Her blonde hair was beautiful paired with her blue eyes and pale skin. The combination of the three made her feel kind and welcoming. We had so much fun when we were together but I just didn't realise I was falling for her more and more every day. Every Tuesday and Thursday she'd spend the afternoon at my house, we'd walk up to the nearby service station and over indulge in lollies and slushies. Of course, we'd say hello to Wayne. Wayne was an overweight bald man who had been working at the shop since he was fifteen. Making jokes and laughing along with us. Eventually, I began to forget about self harm when I was with her... I felt like she could've been my cure? But of course, the feelings I had for her faded and I was back to feeling empty inside. Aida and I were still friends, my feelings for her had just passed. 

I began to self harm again. This time, instead of using my nails I began to use scissors and break sharpeners open and rip out the blades. It became a daily occurrence. Wake up, self harm, shower, self harm, go to school, self harm, come home, self harm, eat tea, self harm, shower, self harm. Aida knew, and as much as I hate to admit it- eventually I dragged her down with me. The truth was, I felt less alone when she started hurting herself. I knew it was sick- I loved her, although not the same way I used to I still knew she was an amazing and beautiful person and I told myself I had to get clean for her. Aida was all I had. I was always trying, begging myself to stop and trying to placebo myself into feeling better. None of it worked. I wasn't ready to face the fact it didn't though.

In class, I was allowed to sit next to Aida. Occasionally leaning over to help eachother out with our school work. The teachers always encouraged out friendship as it was beneficial for our learning. I'd help her with her English and Geography in exchange for her helping me with my Maths and Science. On the outside, people thought we were great for eachother but that was only surface level. Our teacher, Miss J was by far one of the most amazing teachers I'd ever had. She was always nice to me, and would flirt with my dad occasionally which was always quite funny. Anyway, Miss J came over to us one day when we were working and grabbed me by the wrist. She gently pulled down the sleeve of my sweater to reveal six red and irritated lines in my skin. She pulled my sleeve back up and knelt down next to me.

"Go outside, the principal wants to see you," she whispered calmly.