Harry Potter on Crack

The boy who lived

Author's note: there are parts of the text scratched over in my notebook but there doesn't seem to be a strikethrough format on wattpad, so i'm going to leave the scratched text between [ ]. thanks for reading!!

   Harry Potter was a 10-year-old who lived with his uncle, his cousin and his aunt. They locked him under the stairs and occasionally starved him when they got bored. After years of lawn mowing the words "CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES" and shouting help to random strangers he started wondering if a) living under the stairs had jinxed him, b) if he was invisible or if c) a dark wizard had cursed him when he was a baby and his entire life sucked eggs from that moment forward. Of course "b" was the most likely except when he ran out of the house naked to test it once, a cyclist fell over right in fron of him. So that theory was wrong.

   Anyway, life was shit at Privet Drive until one day a very [Harry wizard] hairy wizard [knocked on his door] knocked his door down and brought him cake.

   "Oh, cake! What a surprise!" Harry exclaimed. "But why today? Oh, right, it's my birthday! Gee, mister, since you're a wizard and all, could you get my uncle and my aunt a calendar, cause, you know, somebody's gotta remember around here!"

   "Ye get 'em a calendar! [Yer a hairy wizard!" Hagrid said

   "No, you are!" Harry threw his cake at him]

   "Yer a wizard, Harry!" Hagrid said.

   Harry couldn't remember much from that point forward, just some funky details blurred together where he somehow got to some diagonal alley and he got a pigeon named Hedwig. A few days later he's standing alone at a train station with his pigeon and a trunk wondering "Where the hairy go?"

   "Sir, excuse me, could you tell me where platform 9 3/4 is?" Harry asked a security guard.

   "You," he said. "Are the 700th kid to ask me that today. And I still refuse to believe it exists."

At that exact moment, he saw a caravan of gingers trot by, lead by a chubby woman shouting, "C'mon Weasels! Platform 9 3/4 this way!" so he followed.

   After befriending the weasels the chubby ginger woman told him to run straight into a wall. "Gee, lady," Harry thought. "A simple leave-my-ginger-puppers-the-fuck-alone would've done," until two of the weasels,who turned out to be the same weasel, only twice, ran straight into a wall and vanished.

   The chubby woman informed him that it was Ron weasel's first year at Hogwarts as well.

   "The fuck is 'Hogwarts'?" Harry said, but the woman was already clapping, stomping her right foot with a [weasel] whistle on her mouth shouting, "Go, go, go, go, go!" So he ran bisexual into a wall.

   "Did I do it?" Harry panted from the other side.

   "Passably," the Ron weasel said.

   When they were already in the Hogwarts Express, the Ron weasel took out a rat and a candy bar from inside his bag. As he chewed he said, "So, what's your deal?"

   "What is anyone's deal."

   "Touché,

  "I'm Ron, by the way. Ron the weasel."

   "I'm Harry Potter."

   "Blimey! Harry Freakin' Potter! Do you have the scar?"

   Harry grabbed the top of his pigeon's cage ready to sprint out of there. This weasel knew too much.