Writer's Recipe vol. 3 (2018)

CRASHES OF LOVE

Written by: Maryam Al-Yasmin binti Asar

The radio was playing softly in the room, but I could still hear the song clearly from the outside.

I see those tears in your eyes,

I feel so helpless inside,

Oh Love, there is no need to hide,

Just let me love you

when your heart is tired.

Inside, a woman was sitting at the corner of her bed. The song had made her break into tears and her lips moving in desolate prayer. I approached her and hugged her from behind as if I was giving some of my strength to her. She turned her face around and I saw her weary eyes watching me with determination. "Cathrina," I wanted to say something but she had already cut my words.

"I'm okay... Just need some time to adapt with my condition," she said to me.

She was smiling at me but I know she needed courage to face the truth let in front of her – half of her body was paralysed due to the. I helped her up to sit on the wheelchair and I took her outside the house.

That evening was captivating, the sun was setting and a few thin strips of clouds on the horizon turned shimmering gold. I wished it would last a little longer. I let out a sigh as I felt her hand touching mine. I wanted to be her shoulder when she needed it and to wipe away her tears. Oh God, could you pass the pain to me instead? She meant the whole world to me.

* * *

27th June 1981

I wished I could tell her everything that I had eagerly wanted to share. But my nerves got the better of me. I got completely tongue-tied when she was in front of me. Instead she was the one who told me every little details of her experiences – the sad, the happy and even the horrible.

13th February 1983

I clutched my hands together as I felt jittery in my heart when I was waiting for Cathrina. I tried my best to keep it cool, but when I saw her coming out from her house, my heart was pumping even faster than usual. I hid those feelings behind a nervous crooked smile. Then, I braved myself to extend my hand towards her as she came to me and asked, as casually as I could, "May I?"

I took Cathrina out for dinner. Both of us were so engrossed in our conversation until I did not realise that we had been there for hours. When the clock passed 10:30 p.m., I drove Cathrina to Ravendale Park. Even at that hour, the park was hardly quiet. There were a group of youngsters skateboarding, a few street performers, and a whole lot of couples. I asked Cathrina to sit on a bench that faced the Ravendale River. Beads of perspiration trickled down from my forehead. I swept it and coughed as I tried not to be too agitated. "Um, will you hear me out?" I asked. She turned to me and nodded in agreement.

I stood up and I knelt in front of her. I mustered my courage to look her in the eyes and I was met with a smile that hid a thousand emotions. Curious? Wondering what I was going to say, maybe? Shy? Could she have know about it? I cleared my thoughts and my throat as I held her hand, "Cathrina Everdeen, would you please to let me be a part of your story?" There was a moment of silence, and then hot tears were streaming down her rosy cheeks.

"Yes."

29th September 1997

It was our fourteenth anniversary. Cathrina who was two years younger than me was thirty-eight years old. That day, I had planned to take Cathrina to Ravendale River. She had told me for a long time that she wanted to go there but I never got the chance to since I was too occupied with my work.

Right at 10:30 p.m. we drove to Ravendale River. Along the journey, Cathrina was unusually silent which was a bit weird to me. I did hope Cathrina would say something funny that could lighten up the grave atmosphere in the car but when she remained tight-lipped, I knew I had to make the first step.

"Buttercup," I loved to call her with that endearment. "What's been troubling you?" I asked her but she remained silent. She put her hand gently onto my thigh and fragments of sorrow streamed down her rosy cheeks uncontrollably. Meanwhile, even the atmosphere outside was as dark and gloomy as it was inside the car. Ominous black clouds covered the sky and released a sudden shower.

"Louis Harvard, I believe that there will be a time that we couldn't even keep our promises. But deep down in my heart, I do hope that you will still be with me even when the vows are meant to be broken," she sobbed as she pulled her hands into her chest.

Her words tore my heart. Why would she say something like that? Did she not love me anymore? I began to think of every single thing that I might had done wrong to her but I couldn't. My feelings were all mixed up. Angry. Sad. Shame. The wrath inside me was suddenly piling up. I did not want to listen to any more of her words.

Unintentionally, I hit the pedal over the speed limit. I heard her screaming to me to slow down but I just let her advice went by and blend in with the howling storm in the night. I was still loss in in my rage. Suddenly a bright neon light flashed from the front. The light was blinding my eyes that I could hardly keep the car on the right lane. When I could see clearly again, out of nowhere, there was a car in front of me from the wrong side of the road. Our cars were about to crash one another and I could do nothing as the terror had completely seized. Suddenly, I felt Cathrina's hand touching mine which was still holding onto the steering and she pulled it hard to the left.

CRASH! That was the last sound I heard that night when the car hit the dividers.

* * *

Present day.

From now on, I will look after Cathrina. I would never leave her even though half of the Cathrina's body was disable for the rest of her life. I knew it was hard for me to be happy like before it was even worse for Cathrina. Because of that, I have to be like the sun, providing light to keep her shining like a moon. Even though its surface is full of flaws, but its existence is adored by many.