Just A Teardrop Away

prl - Maybe Not

  started 25/10/2019

4:44 AM

what does a 17-year-old girl could achieve? nothing seems fine to her anymore. life? sucks.

were life good for you?

I used to think i have the whole world in my  grasp and that, everything seems so perfect that it's scary now.

My family used to be wholesome. We spend hours together, happily. I was the clown, I was the mood maker, I was their all. I was everything they could possibly ask for. they were my universe. laughter filled our small household. happiness outburst every time we're together.

can we please stay like this forever?

I carelessly let everyone enter my life. without no analyzation, I guess family could hurt you too, huh...? their mind...never cease to amaze me.

Growing up in a pretty big household, makes the silence seems unlikely. Sounds of cricket haunts the house, cold, dreary nights accompany the moon. No laughters nor the sounds of footsteps down the hall. Nothing is forever anyway. 13 years I lived thinking my family were all good. until I realized nothing more is left for me in the future. my parents had a divorced back then too. maybe that's how it all started? well, frankly said, my family, didn't start perfectly either.

I experienced school since I was 4. to think about it, I was always excluded. or the right word for it is forgotten. they said I was weird, they said I was embarrassing. they ditched me with their sinful sneers. they said it, I would never be the best. and...they broke the heart of a 7. just like that, I became unresponsive to anything.

"mom? where are you going?" she turned around.
"to see your grandma for a while. go back to sleep"
"you will come back quickly, right"
"yes, faster than lightning" she replied with a smile.

and she never came back.

only if im good enough, maybe the broken vase could stick itself?

"from now on you will be living in your own apartment. live however you want" i nodded, looking down.

can i please grow faster? i want to see all other beautiful things rather than my face. im tired of looking in the mirror to see a flower. i wished the handsome and charming prince could come and take me to his castle. just take me away from this endless glumness.

I started questioning everything, my laughter and tears for the people i love. Was all the sleepless nights go to waste? just how much I love my friends, my family. it equals the hate I have on myself.

I tried finding the lost pieces of my heart but it was nowhere to be found. but they don't know, they don't understand what it feels like, to not just feeling sad and having no one. it is about having people that don't care.

there were 5 but only 2 plates were placed on the table. the clinking sound of glasses, parents having their mid-life crisis; it's gone. what's left is a table full of unwanted foods. dreary and dark clouds surrounded the household. where did all the waves of laughter go? why do sorrow follows me around as if i was in too?

"Lillie, wake up!"

I refuse to return to this deceitful society. I wish you gone too.

family, friends, lover?
in this world of lies?

sorry, maybe not

finished 27/10/2019