Operation Butterball

Chapter 2 stump.

Lou hated hospitals. The overly chemical smell made her think of her mother's cancer. It made her think of the time she got scarlet fever in junior high and had to get a shot in her rash covered ass. Hospitals just plain freaked her out.

She scrolled through her Instagram, looking at cats, tuning out the voices of the nurses passing through and by the waiting area.

"Ms. Duncan?", a voice sounded, snapping Lou out of her feline revere.

A slightly over weight middle aged woman holding a clip board gave her a half smile.

Lou Anne got up from the hospital waiting room chair, her back popping like bubble wrap as she did so. "I'm Lou Anne".

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Ms. Allison is going to be just fine. The bad news is her hand could not be salvaged. I'm going to need you to help her fill out some insurance forms. There's a good chance depending on your coverage that Ms. Allison, Rhonda, will be eligible for a prosthesis after her arm heals from the trauma of the injury."

"Of course. I'm happy to help. Can I see her? Allison?"

"Yes. I'll take you to her. Although, be prepared, she's a little out of it from the surgery, and hasn't quite comprehended that she's lost her right hand yet."

"Gotcha. We've been friends since junior high. I'd like to be there for her however I can."

"Understandably. Follow me. I'll show you to her room".

The walk down the hospital hallway wasn't that far but it was depressing. Lou never understood why hospital room doors were left open, leaving passersby to peak inside at the dreary scene of patients dying or sick in their beds. The putrid smell of death and disease and tubes and horrid hospital blankets all meshing together into one mental catastrophe.

Room 216 was different however. Lou gave a smirk upon seeing Rhonda sprawled up in bed sipping a juice box and watching the hospital tv.

"Lou! Lou look! I don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom man, my piss is going straight into this bag right here!"

Rhonda animatedly pointed to her catheter that ran from under her blanket and to a bag clipped on the side of her hospital bed.

The nurse had a look of sympathy on her face. "You see, as you can see she's still a bit out of it. I'll leave you two to visit then. Here are the forms for workers compensation and insurance. I'll be back to collect them later."

The nurse patted Rhonda on the head, much like Lou Anne's Great Aunt Jerry did to her poodles after they crapped in Mrs. Bentley's yard. "See you in a bit Ms. Allison."

"Bye Tandy. Catch ya on the flip. Don't forget, two puddings at dinner." Rhonda winked at Lou Anne over the nurses shoulder as she scuffled out of the hospital room, quietly closing the door on her way out.

"Dude. I am set up! I don't have to get up to pee, people are bringing me dinner, and my tv remote has a cord attached to my bed so I don't lose it!"

"Well I see you're taking this all in stride. You do know that you lost a hand, you idiot."

"Oh I know. I bet the payout is going to be huge."

"Rhonda. I don't want to know anything. Don't tell me ANYTHING".

"I can be a pirate for Halloween."

"Rhonda! Don't tell me you did this idiot shit on purpose."

Rhonda winked. Lou could tell that the morphine she was on must have been strong because it was almost with both eyes. She wondered just how much Rhonda's 'playing stupid' act was actually rubbing off on her. Lou was quite aware that she was probably the only person on Earth to know exactly how intelligent Rhonda actually was. She was also the only one on Earth to know how diabolical Rhonda could be. If Rhonda Allison had been born into a different less obese body, she very well could be the actual antichrist.

"Is there any pudding left?"

Lou looked into the container with the rolled up foil and half dried viscous material underneath.

"You're fresh out, Ron."

"Damn. Maybe I can get a kitchen aide attachment for this thing and make my own", Rhonda gestured with her gauze covered stump in a circular motion like she was mixing invisible pudding.

"For fucksakes Ron! You lost your fucking hand!"

"Lost a hand, gained a million!"

Lou Anne stared at her oldest friend for a long time. The thought had crossed her mind that Rhonda might need to be committed. Rhonda winked at her again as she reached for the tv remote. This time with one eye like a normal person. The electronic guide showed CNN's financial report highlighted.

"Will you bring me a copy of the Wall Street journal Lou? And my investment portfolio from my home office?"

"No. I want nothing to do with this."

"Please. I promise I'm worth it."

"No, you idiot. You take over the world on your own time. I can't know anything about this scheme of yours. One. It will jeopardize my job at the plant. There's probably already going to be an investigation. And two- whatever you're planning on doing with the insurance money will be in jeopardy too. So just chill out."

"Fine Lou, ya buzzkill."

And with that, Rhonda Allison turned the hospital tv to the food network. Her exclamations about the dutch chocolate cake and how the one at the local Dairy Queen was so much better, could be heard through her hospital door, all the way down the hall at the nurses station.

Nurse Tandy shook her head, clipboard in hand, "Poor simple thing".