thoughts. | Incomplete

10:09 PM

hey love! :))

Its 10:09 PM and here I am,

full off thoughts.

face wet with tears.

eyes acting like faucets.

my heart... broken.

For a year I had foolishly fallen for you, I broke up with him.

Cause I loved you.. and I hate myself because of that. You have caused this, but I would never blame you, It's not your fault a girl like me... had fallen for you hard.

It hurts me to admit it, because I know for a fact your heart belonged to her. I never had a chance, I knew it from the start but I was dumb enough to accept my feelings for you. I should have never done that, but I was too late the feelings started to blossom and grow to something unbearable.

As I started to fall deeper and deeper, It started to hurt.

It hurts to see you,

To hear your voice,

To see you smile,

To see you look at her while I look at you.

So I did what I thought was right. I distanced myself from you. It hurts more than I thought it would. It hurts to love you. It really does, but you never knew.

It hurts to remember your smile. I thought I had moved on but here I am, clutching my chest, crying my heart out and trying not to make a sound. I realized my feelings never went away. I was simply convincing myself.

For a year I wished you would look at me as someone who could be more than your friend, never once did you look at me as someone who you could love, for you were disgusted by me.

I understand him.

and it hurts to understand him.

but I still love him. foolish right?

If you were in my position you would know the pain, I see him almost everyday, he was my close friend. was is the key word. I avoided him as much as I can. I wanted to forget him.

but foolishly enough I still waited for him.

every single day the thought always goes through my head,

"Will we ever have something more than this?"

I wanted to move on.

but the thought keeps on repeating.

I can't help but laugh.

I'm so dumb.

for a few months I thought I finally had done it. I had finally forgotten you.

but I was so god damn wrong.

It came back, stronger.

It was like my forgotten demons had came back knocking on the door, and I was foolish enough to let them in.

but that didn't hurt

What hurts is I had allowed myself... I had allowed myself  to once more accept this overwhelming feelings.

I had allowed to be fooled by my heart, that maybe this time he would feel the same way too. I didn't listen to my mind. I didn't listen to my friends protest that I was just once again tearing open the once healed heart.

I wish I listened.

I had once again given my self false hope..

Now that I think about it,

When will I ever learn,

When will I stop,

When will I forget....

I have endless when's. I can't share them all.

but I can't keep on asking when, I need to act as well. I can't keep depending on fate and I can't keep on drowning myself in sorrow and pain.

I knew myself, I had to help myself to forget him.

but I just cant bring myself to forget the angel that brought me hell.