Buttered Toast

down the rabbit hole

     One thing more and then I'm losing my shit. One more thing that my stupid parents say or do to me, one more person trying to control my life, and I quit. I don't even know who I can trust anymore. Definitely not my friends, I swear they lie about every single thing to make me more miserable. Ya know, for my second year in college, I'm not doing too bad. Unless my professors are lying to me too... that's it. I'm going to go to the superintendent and demanding that they arrest the principal. Today! ...After my art history class. I still need to keep my grades up for my dumb parents. Alright, I should probably get dressed.

     Oh god, can't wait to see what's for breakfast. Maybe I should just grab a coffee and head out.

     "Honey, breakfast is ready! Your doctor said it's important to have a scheduled breakfast! It will help you stay grounded!... Oh come downstairs, its already it's 10 am." my Mother's shrill voice yelled from the kitchen.

     "Alright, ok! I'll come down in a minute." I sighed. I grabbed my bag and looked in the mirror.

     "Stay grounded. Just be calm. Everything will be ok." My reflection frowned at me. I knew that I didn't even believe myself at this point.

     "MILES! You are going to be late again!" My mom interrupted my thoughts. I swear one day I'm going to snap. Ok, ok. I'll just eat, and everything will be fine.

     Suddenly I felt this intense fear inside me. I ran downstairs and out the door, past the creepy garden dwarfs in the front yard. Their eyes remind me of cameras, watching my every move. Like one part I read in Harry Potter, with the Weasleys or something...

     I heard them whispering my name. "miles. miles. Miles. MILES! Get inside now! What the hell are you doing!"

     I startled out of my trance. I looked around. I was a block away from my house, and my mom was on the lawn, yelling at me. "Yeah! Um sorry, I got distracted! I'm coming back now." Why did it matter to her? Why do I have to listen to her? I'm twenty-three years old, and my parents still treat me like a kid. I trudged back to the house, wanting to eat and get out as soon as possible. I sat down at the brown, ugly, beat up dinner table. My mom put a plate in front of me. I looked at it, the square piece of toast. I picked it up and started to take a bite, my mind wandering to the pretty shadows cast by the curtains, and how alien they looked, and that's when I realized my toast had butter on it. I dropped it as if it were poisoned, which it might have been.

     "Nonononono, I knew it! You don't care about me! You want me to die, I have told you a billion times that I hate butter! No, this can't be happening! You and your new boyfriend have been trying to kill me, all these years! I bet I'm not even your son. Everyone is plotting against me! What's that behind your back...I bet you aren't even real. Who are you? Why are you in my house! Fuck you! Fuck everything. I can't do this anymore!"

     I stormed up to a room...my room? I grabbed someone's...nonono, MY backpack, and ran. As I ran, I fumbled with one of the pockets. Past unfamiliar neighborhoods with their houses and trees and people all trying to suffocate me, I finally found what I was looking for. The childish-looking square, with the bright smile on it, but I knew what it contained. The buildings faded away, leaving only the tiny square. I heard a clock inside me ticking. I put the blotter paper under my tongue, sat down on the curb, and waited for the magic to happen. I didn't realize how dark or cold it was outside. I just noticed the shimmery red and blue tinting the trees. Like that 3D movie I saw as a child and forgot the glasses. I was scared that they altered reality. My dad and I laughed about it later, all happy eating cotton candy that stained our mouths blue as we laughed...but that couldn't have been me. I have never been happy. Or perhaps, I have just never been... I'm falling down the rabbit hole...