Behind the veil

Chapter 2

She got home quite late in the evening, ate some dinner, did her hifz and homework and took a quick shower. It was 2 a.m. but she didn't want to fall asleep just yet. She liked being asleep but the process is quite scary. Every time she closed her eyes she would be reminded. Every time she would close her eyes she wouldn't be met with happy memories, no, every time she would be welcomed by the cold darkness and pictures she would rather forget. The poison she once thought she poured out. The memories she thought were broken, shattered into pieces. They never disappeared. They would remind her over and over again and she couldn't live a normal functioning life. She abhorred it but also got used to it, after all this had been happening for many years and there was no use being bothered by it. However, there were some times, some nights like this where she would just relive those moments, where she would have wished she just disappeared. And it was more than"just tiring". Her new friends had told her to "get over" it as if they wouldn't be crying if she didn't talk to them for a few hours. The problem though wasn't that she wanted them to feel the same way, no, she doesn't wish that for anyone and neither does she wish for them to help her because she knows they can't, she just wants someone to hold her tight and tell her that she did well, she did good enough and things that happened weren't her fault. She had lost hope in people a long time ago. She would only show her emotions to a few people that included her father, brother and best friend. Every night she would be showing her vulnerable state crying to her lord. She felt as if her heart was torn apart and sometimes she would think she had gone insane. She also knew not to despair the mercy of the most merciful and so she is holding on to a small rope of hope.

She took a look at the time again, 4 am. She had exactly two hours to sleep, her brain wouldn't thank her but her heart would, after all now her brain will go numb and too exhausted for anything at all. She was happy still she couldn't deny that she was happy and maybe a tad bit frustrated. However when it comes to dealing with mental illnesses it's no longer about whether or not you are happy, it's slightly more about the emotional support you get and the amount of energy you have to fight it, kinda similar to other illnesses. And people would maybe compare it to wounds, the thing though is that when it comes to pain, it's the one in the heart that hurts the most. And people would surely say time heals everything, for her however time was like snow, it slowly covers up everything and one day at a sudden point, a sudden time, it all melts down again. 

As soon as she woke up she had rushed to the bus, once again plugging her earphones. She looked out of the window and looked at the cars passing by and people rushing to get wherever they had to be. The fast life, huh? It seemed like a waste of time, power and not to mention energy. She would take the bus every morning didn't matter if she had to go somewhere or not. She would take the bus to the small cafeteria which was empty most of the time and sit there enjoying a small chat with the owner or just read, write or think. It was very cosy, almost like a date with herself. These small things never failed to boost her energy. She was very introverted and enjoyed nothing more than time with her self for herself. She needed it. There was a time where she didn't care about herself at all and let's keep the story short and just conclude that it didn't have a happy ending. 

The only coffee she could ever drink was most kind of Latte. Whether it was caramel, vanilla or just the original Latte Macchiato. She liked the warmth and the slightly sweet aftertaste. Kind of reminded her of most things in life. She had once again been reminded of the past, not that she forgot it most of the time. She bittersweet feeling of growing up, she didn't know whether she liked it or not, one thing for sure, she wanted to return to her childhood days. While growing up she had enjoyed the memories of her childhood however along the way she had gotten many new memories she would rather forget. She was often torn between her two different memories and very often she just wanted to give up. But she never despaired the mercy of her lord and did indeed know that he doesn't burden a soul more than it can bear. Still, every once in a while or so, the random urge to let go of everything would strike her, after all, she was a human. But she didn't. She would allow herself to rest, to fall down and just rest however she also demanded she would pick herself up. She didn't want to give up, no, she wouldn't give up.