AND WE WERE FRESHMEN

Sunday November 3, 2019 ~ Might as well expose myself

Sooo. It's almost championship season for xc. League finals on Thursday, November 7th. City Prelims and Finals to follow soon after. Soo, this cross country season has been really complicated. It's brought so much joy and yet so much sadness. I've gotten closer with the varsity girls, this year we've added Arianna (from srla days) to the team. Arelix hasn't really been running. She came back about 2 weeks ago and hasn't ran any invitationals. Her time is in the 21's though, so she's slowly but surely going back up in time for PR season. On Friday we had Apache Arcadia and i got 25th place with a new PR of 20.12. Ran with flats, and race course was fairly flat, I was also(am) on my period, so that's that. 

 Anyways, XC has been bad because i sort of lost Isaac and Jaeline to the freshmen earlier this season. Luckily, for me, they got grade cut back in early October (sounds messed up I know, but i was miserable and alone). So since, I've fixed my relationship with both. 

But yeah, I was so sad that I even went to the councelling office and immediately had a mental breakdown due to it. I was so sad that Isaac didn't shake my hand anymore or say "hi". It hurt me so much, you might think I had a crush. Which I don't.

Or at least it's complicated. THERE! I SAID IT! I am conflicted. 

I've been conflicted since last year at City Finals. It all started when we were going after his crush Amie. We went up one of the hills at Pierce college and it was steep down and he offered me his hand. He was going to help me down the hill and was ready to catch me if I fell. How wholesome is that??? Anyways, I politley declined, because I felt a blush, and jumped off. After that moment I was wayyy too outgoing for the day and didn't pay attention to it. During track it slowly built up. Like, he had a gf some point during that time, a fellow freshman Aimee, but they broke up. Also, i was a tad bit jealous. But, like, that's normal cause we were friends and I felt like Aimee wasn't the best for him. Especially since it seemed their relationship was just made up on "we're both sad so let's date and talk about depression." So, it seemed toxic. 

So during the season we talked some more but it was different. It wasn't as much and he found a best friend, a new girl, named Jessica who was a hurdler and fellow 9th grader. At times I felt he liked her, which greatly discouraged me and my feelings, but I digress.
He didn't talk to me once and only did so some times at meets. But I was with new track kids, like Alex and spent more time with Jaeline and with Angelica and Iridian at meets. And then at some point Isaac just gave up. He didn't really come to practice and I could tell he was going through things and was frustrated. But the problem was I was too afraid. Too afraid to ask if he was okay and too afraid to press for more information. 

Cross, in a sense, has been the same. Jessica joined and he was always with her, but when she mysteriously left, he spent more time with me. When the freshmen who got grade cut left, he'd spend his time with me. Which brings forth my complicated feelings. How can I like someone who leaves me to the end? That I'm his last choice? 

Like he only really started talking to me a lot because he was in a fight with Jaeline. Thats why! That's why he talked to me and I started falling into the trick. And yet eveytime I snap out  of it and see that it's not right. But then i fall back in because he's so nice and caring and understands me, and motivates me, and is trustworthy. I love his personality. And yet I know everything is wrong. Because then I remember that I like attention. That besides Sebastian, he's the only boy who talks to me and I can talk to. It's not real. It shouldn't be real.

He likes Salma. He likes a certain type. I don't fall under that category. And i never will. 

He asks about my love life. "Nonexistent", I reply, and he already knows I'm gonna say that, so he says it for me. But little does he know it's actually "complicated", because I like him, but I don't.