AND WE WERE FRESHMEN

Sat. Nov 7 -You become who you once loved

Thursday morning I quit cross country.

That's it. That's the sentence.

After weeks which turned to months, I finally decided to just speak out. There was no longer a point in lying to myself and delaying the inevitable.

I hadn't felt happy running since my marathon days. Since the day I beat the twins and Jackie at Bell Gardens Invitational in 2018. Since the first day at track and field practice just earlier this year. But those were just moments. Just moments I believed, yes, this is what I want to do: Everything is worth it, the pain is worth it, my mental fatigue is worth it, RUNNING IS WORTH IT. But as all things go, the mirage subsides, and you are faced with the truth. Me quitting was bound to happen, I just refused to see that as my endgame.

It all started this year: feeling running wasn't fun anymore, realizing all I ever did was compare myself to others, and knowing that I if I had the opportunity, I would never run again.

Little did I know, I would have that opportunity. The few days before school abruptly closed due to fear of the corona virus, I said to myself that i wasn't sure if I could keep on running. I was binging practically every day, I would come home and just cry, and everything felt so overwhelming all the time. I had lost someone who I was able to be real with, and it reminded me of how alone I truly was. How alone I truly am.

So, I stopped running. And then fear set in and my brain refused to let me step outside. I tried and tried throughout the summer and subsequent fall, but I could not run for longer than 3 days a week. I felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me and my body. I was judging myself and my body. Comparing it to not only the me in the past, but the way my teammates would describe me. Fast, motivated, but hardly trying. I could always do better, be better, but I was too lazy to do it they'd say of me.

So I just shut the world out. Better for me.

I've fantasized of a world where one day I just got better. I would wake up and go run. I'd get better, lose weight, study, do things on time, my face would clear up, everything would be perfect. But I've made no attempt at even making my life better. I've just been self-sabotaging.

The only reason i even sent my (what I call) "resignation" letter to my coach, was because I was feeling brave at 1:00 a.m.

I was honest and tired and I just told myself, "fuck it".

So I wrote the letter in a word document and copy-pasted it onto a private Schoology message. It read:

Subject: Regarding Cross Country

To be quite frank, I'm not sure how to write this out. Or communicate it even. But I'm sure you know where I'm going with this...

After a long back and forth with myself for months, I have officially decided I will not be a part of the cross-country team this year. I'm not sure if you ever expected this, but I feel like maybe there's a part of me that showed it. As I'm sure you know, this year hasn't been the best for a lot of us. I, for one, have had a hard time adjusting to this new normal. I don't feel as motivated as I once was, and everything seems so two-dimensional these days. I feel easily bored and I find it hard to concentrate and think about the future. My grades dropped for a hot minute and my physical health isn't doing much better.

I know this probably feels so out of the blue. That for one, I'm being communicative, and two, I'm speaking up so late. But know this was a really hard decision for me. Throughout the summer, I tried so desperately to run in the morning, the afternoon, but my mental fatigue and intrusive thoughts constantly reemerged. Since this time last year my mental health has been rocky. As I'm sure you're well aware of, due to reading my physical, I struggled with an eating disorder in 2016. Those type of things don't go away so easily, and last year I started struggling with my body image again. It's a constant struggle, but it got pretty bad and I began to develop some bad habits. The issues are still here, and it's a work in progress, but I feel as though it's gotten to the point that I once again need help and I'm not sure sports would be best for me.