Loving the Enemy

Olivia-26

Dear someone,
beware of your actions someone has to be.

Never underestimate how impactful your childhood is.
Everything that you see and experience at a young age can effect how you view and experience shit for the rest of your life.
You see when your a kid you only know what you've been taught, you only know what you've seen, you only know what someone else has told you. We are the products of our environment after all.

As a kid I was taught to keep it all in, not directly necessarily but a lot of us are visual learners and as a kid I always saw my mom hiding her tears never shedding a single one in front of me, never expressing her anger at how we barely had enough money to pay the rent, never asked for help from anyone when there was nights she had to lit candles to have light as she struggled to balance the pressures of being a single mother and a college student all at once.

Christmas, thanksgiving, and Halloween were all just normal days with funny names because mom was always working to ever celebrate them and It use to make me so fucking angry. But I held it in because to feel angry or sad or anything other than being okay at all times always felt like a weakness.

I always imagined that one day my dad would come knocking at the door and time would freeze and I'll be allowed to be a kid again, to be free and make mistakes and be happy. And I know it's stupid, but I don't know I guess at the time it gave me hope. We all need to believe in something or someone in order to keep ourselves somewhat sane, because a life without hope isn't really much of a life at all.

My day ended like it always does. I'm home alone. And you never get use to being alone, as time goes on however u become numb to feeling as though you need anyone else even though it couldn't be farther from the truth.

During time periods like this you learn to know yourself very well and how there may be many things you don't like about yourself and how there's things you have absolutely no control of and you learn to accept them. I'm not very good at dealing with my emotions. Sometimes when something really bad happens my mind developes this coping mechanism where I simply try to cover up the problem by adding a different dynamic to it. I called Jeremy and it wasn't long until he was ringing at my doorbell. Jeremy is everything I'm not yet somehow everything I kind of long to be. He's stable, he's safe and most of all he's happy. I envy that in him.

But when I'm with him I also reminded of how he's everything Kyle's not. And somehow though the pros of him not being like Kyle or way fucking higher than the cons there's this longing that's never left my chest that's been screaming at Kyle for as long as I've known him and I don't know why.

I just feel as though he's needed, and it may make no sense from an outsider looking in but as soon a Jeremys lips touched mine it felt like I committed a crime.

A/n
Wrote this in a rush sorry I'll edit it later sorry I've took so long to update btw.