When I look in my mirror I see a girl with a lot of problems desperately trying to get help and fix herself but always failing to do so. A girl that lets her fear control her every move. A girl that has so many problems that cut so deep at only thirteen that she needs to see a therapist. A girl with divorced parents. A girl that can never take proper blame to her mistakes. A girl that has an intense irrational fear of interacting with people. What causes this ? I don't really know. Fear of embarrassment perhaps ? Or of rejection ? They say it's my Dad's fault, when he left without saying goodbye. Interesting story actually, my grandmother paid him $10,000 just to leave his wife and kids and go home to Ontario, and he was to much of a coward to say goodbye. He's engaged to a lovely woman, Vicky, I consider her a second mother, she refers to me as her daughter and I love it, I love going to her family events because her family's not broken, I feel a part of something with them. She can't have kids, I'm kinda thankful, if he was a good Dad with them that would mean he was always capable of change, Dakota and I just weren't worth changing for. This way we'll never know. Back to the point though, I have A LOT of problems. The therapist pointed out that I never take proper blame for anything and if I do it's not sincere. They said I have social anxiety, which makes sense, I was always a shy kid but it got really bad in grade five then only got worse. I'm a lot better than last year but still bad. I also hate being bossed around, even if I am following orders I'm probably finding a way to damage whatever I'm working on in the long run. I have a very flawed logic of I'll do something dumb that only harms myself as a punishment kinda to whoever I'm pissed at. I also never take care of myself, I get a small amount of sleep cause I have nightmares or anxiety keeps me up, I don't eat properly, I very obviously have mental health problems, I have bad hygiene. They made me go to a professional after I wore a hospital mask and the same outfit for multiple months, I don't blame them. I was at my worst, I'm currently at the best I've ever been but I know I could be better, I'm at like %60. I just don't have the motivation to push myself to %100. I'm wayyyyy to sensitive, you could sound slightly aggressive and I'll burst into tears. I'm also very clingy and overly affectionate to the people I'm close to, it's suffocating. I'm a procrastinator, have been for years, it's unhealthy really haha. So when I look in my mirror, I see,,, f l a w s. I'm ok with myself physically and I like my personality, but I'm also aware that I'm not perfect, but it's ok to not be perfect, no one is, so I should embrace it. Just push through day by day and attempt to be the best me I can be cause as far as we know we only get one life so we should be the best us we can be, ya know ? Sorry this whole thing was a mess, I was very lost on this assignment.
By, Emma Gerbrandt-Srigley
