Ashton's Notes

note 14

8:21 AM || It's as freezing cold outside as my heart.

My bones are rattling and my teeth are chattering. My whole body is begging me to allow warmth to surge around me once more. Instead of listening, I choose to sit on my front porch steps with one hand in-between my thighs and the other trying to keep my grip on my black ink pen as I write to you. And as I sit here in the shiver-inducing cold I wonder if I should dedicate these letters to somebody. You know, like dear, whoever. I do have one person in mind but that'd be remarkably cheesy and I'm not the type of man to like that.
Update: My hair is officially long enough to tie in a bun. I've seen plenty of girls swoon over a hairdo that's so easy for them, they just do it. But once a male has his hair in-what I think is one of the most unattractive hairdos humanly possible-he is comparable to a God. And currently my sandy hair is tied up in the thing. And I hate it. I look terrible and I desperately hope Amelia doesn't decide she wants to surprise me with her presence, something I've learned she's quite notorious for.
I suppose I should update you on something that holds a bit more significance. My father called at 2:00 in the afternoon yesterday, a time he knew my mother would be off at her job and not available to answer his call. His drunken words slurred together in a guilty, yet emotionless hello.

"Ashton, I wish I had the guts to call you sooner. It's been hard on me, sleeping in motels and eatin' a burger a night." Ashton cringed. Through the staticky phone, his ears rang with the sound of a liquid-most likely beer-being swished in a bottle.

"Why are you drunk?" his words came out harsher than intended, but reflected how he truly felt about the whole ordeal quite perfectly. He heard his sad excuse of a father sigh into the phone.

"Just needed to forget for a little bit." he answered sadly. "You understand, don't you, Ashton? You're not mad, right?" his father's tone put a deep frown upon Ashton's lips. His veins were burning with pure fury, sure, but it still hurt to hear the remorse and sadness in his father's voice. Because Ashton realized that him and his father were the same, in the sense that they were both just a couple of sad men. But Ashton was no drunk.

"You left. Dad, you didn't even call. It's been a whole month and I've heard nothing from you. Am I a shit person for not being as forgiving as I should?" Ashton spit, his words sounding like angry, raspy rivers flowing violently from his lips.

"I made mistakes. I'm not denying that," his father began. "But if you really love me, I think you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. Maybe not today or tomorrow but I know you will." his father sounded confident and it made Ashton feel absolutely terrible. Because he didn't know if he would ever find it in him to forgive a man who didn't even put up a fight to gain custody of him. But he promised himself he would try.

"Mistakes? I wouldn't exactly call leaving without a single word, not calling, not fighting for custody, only having the confidence to call your own son when you're intoxicated mere mistakes. How has it taken you this long to realize that you were doing everything wrong? I didn't know where the hell you were, dad, you could have been dead." Ashton honestly did not expect himself to yell such harsh words to his own father. But everything he'd said was true. The truth was all about harshness, Ashton realized.

"I'm sorry, Ashton." tears formed in the corners of Ashton's eyes, but he would not dare let them flow when his father's ears were on such high alert. Ashton wanted to be superior, stronger.

"Sorry doesn't fix everything ." Ashton spat before hanging up the telephone. Ashton took a deep breath, closing his damp eyes and biting his quivering lip. He dialed a number he'd become too familiarized with, his fingers barely keeping their grip on the phone.

"Hi, Ashton." Amelia greeted, her tone as happy and uplifting as usual.

"Can you come over?" Ashton sounded horribly broken, the kind of broken that cannot be fixed with a million bottles of glue. God, his eyes were so fucking tired of being rubbed, the hazel glint was replaced with a sad shade of crimson. Everything was falling apart and Ashton was just now catching up to it.

"I'll be there in ten minutes." Amelia answered urgently. Ashton weakly pressed the hang up button and rubbed his prominent jaw with his raw, calloused hand.

::

"Wanna talk about it?" Amelia whispered comfortingly into the crook of Ashton's neck. Ashton gave a simple shake of his head, indicating he did not wish to speak of the reason she was there in the first place. Ashton, though he failed to realize it, was incredibly fortunate to have somebody that would hold him with no hesitation. He did not realize that Amelia came to his rescue, no questions asked. Maybe that was just the kind of person she was, or maybe it was the kind of person she was for him.

"He doesn't get it. He's always had a perfect life and the moment something goes wrong he runs. It's just like him, Mel, it's just like him to run." he cried, doing exactly what he didn't want to do. His words tasted like blood and sorrow, like the war that he was losing in his mind.

"Who?" Amelia asked. Ashton admired that her voice consisted of velvet and curiosity, no sympathy. The last thing Ashton wanted, or needed, was sympathy.

"My sad fucking excuse for a father. I want to kill him. I want to carve a nice, bullet sized hole into his head." Ashton wept, tightening his grip on the dark haired girl. Salty tears streamed down his face, forming a pool of anger and sadness along the soft skin on Amelia's shoulder.

"Don't say that." Amelia sighed. "I don't know what he did to you or your family but I know it wasn't good. Can't you find it in you to forgive him? He's your father. Even I have chosen the route of forgiveness when it comes to my dad, and it wasn't easy but it had to be done. You can't hang onto the past forever, you know."

"I can if I try hard enough." Ashton answered, stubborn and strong yet raspy and defeated.

(A/N stop being so defiant Ashton. This is really fun to write and I am so glad I decided to write another story.)