Creeps, true stories from Reddit (Second book)

The Curious Case Of My Husband's Missing Buttons

My husband always makes such a mess.
I'm always finding little brown hairs of his all over the house. Just this morning, I found a couple strands lying on the couch. Your father, I always tell my son, might as well be a dog with the amount of hair he sheds. It's a full-time job scooping them up, but I do it anyways, because a clean house is a happy house.
They say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world and boy do I believe it. Mornings around here can be pretty hectic, what with my son and husband both needing so much attention. Today, my husband was in a panic because his favorite dress shirt was missing the top two buttons.
"How could they just disappear?" he asked me as though I summoned buttons out of thin air.
But I am as much a psychologist as I am a wife, and I knew how to smooth things over.
"Not to worry," I told him, "I have it taken care of."
This was just what he needed to hear, and I handed him a second shirt instead. It was the one with the blue stripes that he likes so much. My husband grabbed his wallet and rushed out the door, still in time to catch the early train if he hurried.
Not even ten seconds after my husband had left, and my son was already bursting into tears.
"What's the matter?" I asked him.
He pointed at the underside of his arm, and I immediately located a purple bruise.
"Another one?" I asked. "Well, I know just how to fix that."
Of course, there was only one thing that could fix a bruise. He was going to need a magical mommy kiss. My son held up his wrist to me with tears in his eyes and I gave it a peck.
Just like that, and the tears were gone. Mommy magic is instant, you see. Funny how simple life can be when you're his age.
"Did you want to go to the store with mommy today?" I asked him in an excited voice.
I knew my son would love that. He always loved going to the store with me. I guess it's about as much of an adventure as a boy of four can have.
I needed a needle and thread, so we journeyed together to the craft store, where I purchased some filament and a pack of needles. Naturally, my son wanted a tiny stuffed figurine that we passed on one of the shelves, so I let him have it.
By the time we got back, it was already dark outside, and I knew that it was time. Footsteps echoed from outside. The monster was coming.
I quickly shuffled my son into a closet and handed him his favorite sippy cup.
"Be very quiet," I whispered.
I barely had time to close the closet door, when I heard the monster rip open the front door.
"Hello?" I asked, walking into the kitchen.
"Where is that little shit?" my husband asked. "He needs to learn some respect."
I didn't need to smell the alcohol on him to know that he had been drinking again. He always acted this way when he drank.
I was so scared.
"You're not going to hurt us anymore," I said, walking over to the sink.
This seemed to anger him even more, and he scowled at me dangerously.
"Oh really?" he slurred, "And what are you going to do about it?"
I pulled out the tiny figurine from the craft store and held it up to him. After making some modifications of my own, it looked strikingly similar to my husband now.
The doll had a pair of button eyes sewn on to its face. My husband's buttons.
It had a clump of hair attached to its head. My husband's hair.
Before he could even reach me, I stuck the voodoo doll head-first down the sink, and with the flip of a switch, turned the garbage disposal on.
My husband always makes such a mess.

Posted by u/ktMcSqueezy